Category Archives: Life

On relationships: Why must I be a retard?

June 3, 2007Guest PostMush

In which goblinbox hosts a guest post! Please welcome Pavlov as he gets something off his chest.

So I lived in texas for about 2 years, I had 2 girlfriends in that time(I had 2 married girls I was supposed to fuck but 1 I blew off completely, the 2nd I got arrested due to a suspended license before I got to her house) My first girlfriend was Nina, I loved her as much as a 20 something year old man can. We met online, talked alot through IRC(Internet Relay Chat) before meeting then began seeing each other in real life. Things were going great but one day I got a call from her telling me that she got drunk with her cousin and tried cocaine. With me I have very few things that are considered dealbreakers, but drugs are one of them. Pot I can deal with, I dont do it but if I was dating someone who did I wouldnt break up with her due to it. But nina, she was done for before I hung up the phone with her that day. It was a bit unfair for her since I never told her what the dealbreakers were but anyone with a nyquil cup full of common sense knows that your significant other isnt going to put up with that shit unless they’re into it too. Well, I was able to finally track her down via myspace and we talked. I still to this day love her, she still cares for me and I guess foolishly I was looking for an opening to restart from where we left off. I had my common sense screaming at the top of its lungs in my head that she will not want that, and that she just misses her friend. It was true, she told me that while she still had feelings for me that she just wants someone to listen to her. She said that if we tried a relationship again we’d just veinly try to recreate what we had when we were younger, not to mention that we’re very different people and probably incompatable. So today I had to tell her that I respect her views but I cant simply make my feelings go away and that everytime we talked that I’d be working to win her back. So I did the only thing I could do, I told her I was going to block her on MSN and delete her from myspace and I wasnt going to talk to her again. Why is it so hard to find love, I’m a romantic in that I believe that there is love out there that makes you ache to be with a person all the time, that you can call them just to hear them talk even though its about nothing at all. I also am an adult and realize that love isnt always rainbows and butterflies, there are fights, there are bad times but I believe the good times make anything else trivial. Now, I’m 30, with a kid. I’m also in a loveless relationship, and I’m not getting younger. I cant keep delaying my search for someone that gave me the same feelings that nina did. I dont know….but for now, I’m a little happier getting this off my chest.

Edit: I unblocked her, Live in the moment right? Here’s to new beginnings.

Living Truthfully Under Imaginary Circumstances

June 2, 2007BlurbsMush

In which I’m watching Doctor Who on PBS. Fuck, I love me some Doctor Who!

Isn’t it wonderful how committed those British Shakespearian actors are to their characters, even when they’re doing cheesy sci-fi on telly and are surrounded by a set constructed entirely of cardboard boxes covered in foil and filled with Christmas lights and that are intended with all sincerity to look like the interior of a spaceship?

There may be kitschy things flashing and whirring and beeping in the background, but the lieutenant is steely-eyed and so utterly natural in the delivery of his lines, the actor so cognizant of his character’s motivation that the cheesiness retreats and the story is paramount.

Three cheers for Shakespeare, indirectly because of whom disbelief can be suspended!

Thursday

May 24, 2007BlurbsMush

In which I tell you how I’m feelin’.

Stayed up late last night. Sleepy today.

Rainy and overcast outside. Thunderbumpers, dark clouds, the works.

Tried to change the colorway here on the blog – had a really cute palette extracted from shades in the logo – but it sure turned out fugly! Sometimes I actually regret not taking art classes in college.

Band practice tonight. Better go, since I blew off Tuesday night’s practice for a birthday party.

That is all.

Fat

May 22, 2007BlurbsMush

In which I get all vain on y’all.

Every month I have a realization:

“OMFG! I’m FAT! This is IT, I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely GOT to do something about this! Now a little pudge is fine, of course, but I’ve passed that! I’m moving into the shit-girl-cover-that-ugly-UP! category, and that is so not acceptable!”

And then two days after The Curse ends, I’ve mysteriously and effortlessly lost five inches from my waist. And my ankles! (Okay, maybe not five inches, but it feels that way. One day I put on a snug t-shirt and gross myself out, a few days later I’ve again got the intimation of a waist.)

It’s sneaky, too, this puffing up. I don’t realize it’s happened until it’s gone away again. It seems at the time like normal flesh, but it’s not! It’s imitation flesh! It’s evil wicked temporary blubber!

The moral of the story is that bloating? SUCKS.

I remember watching commercials for Midol back in the day, and thinking it was just more of the same-ol’ typically unnecessary medication foisted off by the drug companies, but now that I’m old and my hormones are whack I realize that this bloating thing? Is totally no joke.

Water retention! For fuck’s sake, people! There’s no good reason for my ankles to disappear every 33 days, is there?

Silver lining: since I was destined to have weak female hormones, the Universe compensated by giving me a great voice, a sunny disposition, and too much fucking testosterone. Which means I will soon be a hairy-chested, male-pattern bald-headed singer whose indominatable spirit uplifts all those around her!

All three who still remain by the time I’m an ankle-less bald-headed hairy-bodied ape of a crone, that is. I’ll sing ’em commercial jingles written by Barry Manilow and snippets of operas I’ve forgotten the words to.

*cackle*

Saturday Is the Day to Catch Up

May 19, 2007BlurbsMush

In which I cover a few days in one entry.

Well, let’s see… what have I been doing?

Thursday night I crashed at Baby Girl’s. Her hubby was out of town, so she and I and our dogs hung out and watched chick TV and ate cookies. It was fun. Next morning we got iced mochas at BK and then I went home to bathe and get ready for work.

Work was fine, nothing exciting happened. I doubt I’ll ever get full-time or a raise offered to me there. I have to admit that I love the hours – noon to five – but I can’t even afford a storage unit let alone an apartment with that kind of income. If only I liked working it would be so much easier to be aggressive about it.

Friday, AmmZon had the house pressure-washed. It looks amazing. I thought that that was something one did only before painting, but no… the back deck looks brand-new. The whole place looks lovely. I’m amazed.

Last night I was invited to go back over for another slumber party at Baby Girl’s, but I had a sleep-a-thon instead. I had a couple of drinks after work, then came home and crashed. Woke up, went to the store, came back, ate tostadas, crashed. Got up at noon today, let the dog out, ate a handful of dried cherries, crashed until five.

Went to Walmart for underwear. Bought a couple of t-shirts and a set of tiny speakers I can use with my iPod in my room, too. Got drive-thru. Came home and ate. Thinking of going back to bed. I usually sleep 12 hours a night during The Curse, but this week I didn’t and now it’s catching up to me. Have tentative plans with BG to go out tonight, but I may be sleeping.

Tonight, AmmZon is going to a friend’s wedding in Des Moines, I think. I have no idea what Truck’s doing but I imagine he’ll find some boys to hang out with while the cat’s away.

The last two books I read were brilliant. The book I’m reading now is disappointing by contrast and I can’t get into it (even though I’m more than half finished with it and it’s actually pretty good). Sometimes I wish TV worked the same way on me it appears to on others: folks look so involved when they’re sprawled out on the couch worshiping the glass teat. I can only manage to feel that way if I’m sick. Maybe I’ll have to get industrious and clean my room or the jeep or something.

Fluids Must Be Fresh!

May 17, 2007BlurbsMush

In which I get called “ma’am” four times.

While driving between the post office and work, I noticed that my oil pressure gauge was going totally apeshit, bouncing all over the place. I glanced up at the cling in the corner of my windshield and realized I was a year past due for an oil change, so I drove right past work and went up to Fesler’s.

The pressure gauge is back to normal, but now it appears I need all kinds of other maintenance: belts, tranny fluid, filters, and crap like that. I guess this is what happens when one drives a ’92.

In other news, two companies will be moving in to the building I work in. Because one will require a lock to their suite, a new wall has been built… Right. Next. To. My. Desk.

There’s superfine drywall dust all over my shit today, and it’s pissing me off. The mud on my computer cables is irritating too, but on the other hand I guess it might be fun working in the same building with the Obama Iowa campaign team. Young, fresh-faced idealists who think the political system actually works could be very inspiring!

A Good Conversation

May 10, 2007LifeMush

In which I quote my roommate, Truck.

Truck and I got stupidly drunk on vodka Tuesday night for no good reason, and probably solved all the problems of the universe in the course of our brilliant discussion… but naturally now we’ve forgotten most of it. I did write this down in the throes of my intoximacation, though:

“Shame is inborn. Guilt is indoctrinated. Guilt is a tool used by others upon you.

“Shame? It comes from the inside. Guilt comes from the outside. Shame, you just can’t get rid of it.”

Nice, huh? Truck’s deep. And yeah, I totally live with awesome people! (AmmZon, who is not a fucking moron, did not get drunk on a worknight and stay up way, way, way too late. I bet her Wednesday hurt quite a bit less than mine did.)

In other news, the Band That Never Gigs will (probably) be playing at ~~Waterworks Park~~ the fairgrounds on the 4th of July! Right before the fireworks, I think! Be there or be square, my babies!

Seriously. This band only gigs once a year, so it’s not like you can just see us whenever you want to or something.

Home Sweet BFE

May 8, 2007Spiritual, TravelMush

In which it’s good to be home. In other words: I’m back, bitches!

Oh, people, I had so much fun in Vail! It was, on the surface, a really lovely little jaunt. The surroundings were awesome, the gig went well, I did some knitting, I bonded with the other players in the band, we pre-sold some CDs. (We’re going into the studio next month to record a second album.)

But because it was a spiritual retreat and one of the people in the band is totally not into the Eastern trip, there were a lot of other currents for me as well. I may write about that after I’ve processed it, but I think the long and short of it is this: missionary-ing is hurtful and unproductive. There’s just no point to it. No one is actually qualified to discuss spirituality as long as they still wish to discuss it; only after the drive to talk it out is gone is one genuinely qualified to speak on what is possible to achieve with a human nervous system. I will gladly discuss my beliefs with anyone who asks, but after seeing the discomfort suffered by my fellow backup singer as she struggled through a weekend with, as she saw it, a cult, I may never offer anything unsolicited about my own spiritual path again – outside of a medium like this, where one can simply skip any post not interesting.

I sang my ass off with the pipes I had, which were in poor condition, and the saint, Sai Ma, told me I sing beautifully*. I’ve always had problems with my ears at altitude; they don’t pop like normal people’s do, and I spend a long time suffering violent stabbing sensations in my skull and hearing muffled as if my ears were stuffed with wet cotton. (For example, on the drive home from Vail to Fairfield my ears still hadn’t popped when we drove past Des Moines.)

It occurs to me that I could not do a gig immediately after arriving in the mountains; I don’t think I’d hear well enough to be able to sing in tune. Also, the dry air dries my voice out terribly and makes it soft-edged. I drank lots and lots of water but still sounded like I’d just smoked two packs of cigarettes. (Which I hadn’t. I smoked less than a half pack the entire time I was gone.)

The morning after the gig, at breakfast, three people told me I sound like Janice Joplin! (Before I had my fuckin’ coffee!) Which I don’t! (I smiled and thanked them, and then gave them the Evil Eye as they turned their unprotected backs to me and walked away. They’ll all have crabs before the month is out. That’ll teach ’em to be fuckin’ cheerful at me and call me Joplinesque at the asscrack of dawn.) (Hah!) TB said, “You don’t sound like Janice Joplin. It’s an energy thing.” Thank God. He is now and forever my favorite pipes player, just for saying that.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says I sound like Joplin… yeah. I’d be loaded.

I knitted during the drive; the pile of yarn I’ve been referring to as ‘my sweater’ is now a bona fide garment! There’s a front, and a back, and a collar! All it lacks is sleeves. (When I tried it on for AmmZon, she giggled and said, “Dude, that’s, like, a muscle sweater!”)

On the drive home, we stopped at the Applebee’s in North Platte for dinner. Their sign advertised a “steak & Angus” special. So that’s, what? Beef AND beef? Because your colon isn’t clogged enough?

I ordered a side salad. They brought it to me smothered in bacon bits. Because vegetables really need pork on them, especially at a chain like that, where you might not get enough fat calories without that bacon. Oink.

Road food is complicated. For a vegetarian. Especially in the Midwest.

Dog love, however, is not complicated: when I got home, Miss Bindu gave me the bestest happy-to-see-you dance ever. I love that dog so much. If you’re ever curious about what unconditional love looks like, and about whether it can be a joyful condition or not, try living with a dog for 9 years. I want to be more like my dog.

In other news, I’m pissed off because the author of the book I’m reading fucking killed off my favorite character!

I don’t care if he brings it – it’s not male or female, but third sex – back later, either. That’s how bummed I am. Now I’m thinking I might just light the fucking thing on fire rather than finish it. Rar!

Now, did I use the F word enough in this entry, or should I indulge in a rewrite?

___
* When I went up for darshan from Sai Ma, I said, “Singing the song O Mother, Take Us There was hard for me, with You in the room. I wanted to cry. It’s hard to sing when one’s crying.” She said, “I was crying.” It was a sweet little interchange.

Travel Weather

May 2, 2007Travel, WeatherMush

In which GUESS WHO UNTHINKINGLY WASHED ONLY HER SUMMER CLOTHES like a dumb ass?!

weather I’m no stranger to the mountains. I’ve been meaning to check the Vail forecast for a week now, because I knew it would be cooler up there.

I finally did. Check the forecast, I mean. And a good thing, too, because I wouldn’t have packed warm enough socks otherwise. Behold the weather forecast for Vail this weekend:

FRIDAY – Partly sunny. Isolated thunderstorms in the afternoon. Highs 50 to 58. Southwest winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of thunderstorms 20 percent.

FRIDAY NIGHT – Mostly cloudy. Isolated thunderstorms in the evening – then a slight chance of rain showers and snow showers after midnight. Lows 24 to 32. Chance of precipitation 20 percent.

SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT – Cloudy with a 40 percent chance of thunderstorms and snow showers. Highs 48 to 56. Lows in the lower 30s.

Not even 60 degrees during the day!

Yeah, I know. MOUNTAINS. Rarefied air. Whatever! I guess I need to wash a heavy sweater or a light coat tonight while I’m packing.

goblinbox.com

blogging for no apparent reason since 2001