All posts by Mush

About Mush

I want to be a veterinarian because I love children.

Monday Morning Is Earlier Than Other Mornings

In which — aw, hell. Nothin’. In which nothin’. *sigh*

This morning I caved — because not only am I weak but it’s cold and I was hungry and very sleepy — and I pulled into McD’s for an egg ‘n’ cheese biscuit, hash browns, and a small orange juice. Now that I can use plastic to get food there, it’s even easier. The bastards.

I’m a little bit unhappy about how cold the house is this winter, with all that insulation gone due to the remodel in progress. There are icy arctic breezes in the hallways. I’ve been sleeping with a hat and slippers on.

The cold snap hasn’t broken and let me tell you what: it is WAY FUCKING COLD. We heat our house primarily with wood, and no matter how thoroughly we stoke the stove at night the fire always goes out before morning. This means that every time I’ve hauled my ass out of bed in the past five mornings it’s been about 40 degrees in my room. Which makes me cranky. Very, very cranky.

I’m boring and I haven’t done anything fun since my last post. The weekend review goes like this: I stayed home Friday (because I was tired after putting in my first 40 hour week in, like, three years. I know: waaaah). Saturday BoS came and made us breakfast (bless his fuzzy little heart) and in the afternoon Bread went to Hickory House to play poker and didn’t come home ’til midnight (while I stayed home in blessed solitude and didn’t even get dressed). Sunday I slept in, then rode to town with Bread and got dropped at rehearsal while he went to BoS’s. The end.

I know: yawn. I’m boring, I’m astonishingly broke, and you’re glad I posted that Frappr map so at least there’s something to do around here. Please, do my boring life a favor and go Frappr. Right over there, to the right, the map thing? Click on it. Yeah. Be my friend. Mmm.

Cold and Dark. Oh, and Tired

In which there are issues with the utilities.

I had two bloody marys at the Dead Cock after work last night. I hung out with MissT for awhile. Then I went to band practice.

After about 40 minutes of practice, the power went out. And it stayed out. So I left band practice — no way to play electric instruments with no power — and for lack of something better to do went back to the bar, which still had power although it was flickering frequently.

Played Megatouch games with MissT for awhile, had a drink.

Drove home. The Hwy 34 corridor had no power at all, not a farm light or street light or house to be seen. It was eerie and really, really dark.

No power in Batavia, either. When I walked in the back door, Bread had candles everywhere.

Power was restored shortly before midnight, which is when we went to bed and ravished each other. (Actually, I ravished him and he laid there and took it like a man. *wink*) The power stayed on all night, then went out again sometime between six and seven for another hour.

So I’m really tired and I want to take a nap, and it was really fucking cold in the bedroom this morning. Cold and tired is my least favorite combination ever.

It was zero degrees outside when I got up, but it had heated up to a balmy eleven degrees by the time I drove past the bank sign on my way to work.

In other news, my knitting site is down, and so is its host. Neither name will resolve, which means their DNS servers are down, which means something catastrophic has happened. I don’t even know where they’re located physically. And I don’t know any IP associated with the host or I’d try some tracert to see where it breaks. Of course, none of you care about any of this… it’s just that it’s hard to break the Internet so it’s interesting when something stops working.

Winter, Which I'm Totally Sick Of Already, Gets More Wonderlandy

In which I’m trying to decide whether I should just turn around and go right back home.

ice

It’s just gonna be all kinds of crappy out for the rest of the day. This just in:

WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 PM CST THIS AFTERNOON.

A MIX OF FREEZING RAIN, SLEET AND SNOW WILL CHANGE TO SNOW AROUND MIDDAY. ICE ACCUMULATIONS UP TO A QUARTER INCH WILL BE POSSIBLE. SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 6 INCHES ARE EXPECTED IN THE AFTERNOON. NORTHWEST WINDS INCREASING TO 20 TO 30 MPH IN THE AFTERNOON WILL CREATE NEAR-BLIZZARD CONDITIONS. ACCUMULATING SNOW WILL END BY EVENING… BUT THERE MAY STILL BE SOME BLOWING SNOW.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW… SLEET… AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

A quarter-inch of ice under five inches of snow? Travel very hazardous or impossible? Christ. I vote for daffodils instead.

More importantly, however, is that someone just put hundreds of dollars on my desk. Yay, payday!

In other news, I had a bit of a spa night last night. I trimmed my toenails, plucked my eyebrows, and then had a lovely steam bath and mud mask. When I woke up this morning, my face felt awesome.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as good as it feels, but at least that nasty blemish on my cheek went away. I really do harbor a deep suspicion that people with small pores are fundamentally happier.

An update (12:37 PM CST): …then again, maybe not:

ICE STORM WARNING IS CANCELLED.

SNOW ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 7 INCHES ARE EXPECTED NORTHWEST OF A CEDAR RAPIDS TO DUBUQUE LINE…WITH 2 TO 4 INCHES OF SNOW EXPECTED NORTHWEST OF AN OTTUMWA TO ROCK ISLAND TO DIXON LINE. LIGHTER SNOW AMOUNTS BETWEEN 1 TO 2 INCHES WILL FALL SOUTH OF THIS AREA. INCREASING NORTHWEST WINDS WILL CAUSE BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW WHICH COULD CREATE NEAR BLIZZARD CONDITIONS OVER PORTIONS OF EASTERN IOWA AND NORTHWEST ILLINOIS THIS EVENING.

Another update (1:38 PM CST): The weather’s just laming out altogether now. Guess I’ll be having a 5 o’clock cocktail at the bar after all.

.NOW… PERIODS OF FREEZING DRIZZLE AND LIGHT SNOW WILL CONTINUE THROUGH 3 PM WITH UP TO AN INCH OF SNOW ACCUMULATION EXPECTED. BITTER COLD ARCTIC AIR WILL MOVE INTO THE AREA WITH TEMPERATURES FALLING THROUGH THE 20S. NORTHWEST WINDS OF 10 TO 15 MPH WILL PRODUCE WIND CHILL VALUES AROUND 10 DEGREES ABOVE ZERO. TRAVEL CONDITIONS WILL REMAIN HAZARDOUS ACROSS THE REGION.

Driving Fools

In which I bitch about other people’s driving.

I seriously hate people who drive SUVs.

I realize my ’92 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo is technically an SUV, but at least I don’t drive like a fucking moron. Four-wheel drive helps you go in bad conditions, sure, but it doesn’t help you stop.

It’s freezing motherfucking rain out there, people! There’s two inches of hail on the ground in places! The roads are slick. There are patches of ice.

I was passed by three vehicles during my drive in to town this morning. One was a UPS truck: okay, he’s heavier — more traction — plus he drives that thing for a living. The other two were assholes driving SUVs who obviously thought their choice of rides made them impervious to weather. One lost control of his vehicle immediately after passing me and slid into the oncoming lane! (Fortunately, there wasn’t anybody in the lane at the time or I’d have ended up in a ditch.)

Even the semis were travelling under the speed limit. If they’re going ten miles per hour under the speed limit, you SUV-drivin’ assholes should be going 15 or 20 under.

I drove in part-time 4WD at a responsible and controlled 45 MPH. Fuck you ditch-bound idiots in your bloated grocery-getters. Grrr.

Under Construction

In which you see the progress my househusband has made.

While it’s true that there are piles of clothes all over the house, the floors haven’t been swept in weeks, and there are little chunks and flecks of dried foods stuck to the kitchen counters, my home-bound husband has been doing a little something ’round the house of late.

I present to you… the Remodel Gallery!

The future living room:

LR

The future kitchen:

kitchen

The future upstairs half-bath:

bath

And in other news, the peacock likes to hang out on the porch. Plus he’s grown a really lovely tail for this year:

bird

Also I hear there’s weather on the way. There was a watch out earlier, but the NWS has just upgraded us to a full-on winter storm warning: rain, freezing rain, and snow in the region… all between now and tomorrow evening. Yuck.

On What It Means To Share

How long are mid-life crises supposed to last? Because I think I’m still having one.

It started before my birthday last September, my self-styled crisis, and though I’m feeling much better in many ways I’m feeling worse in others.

Well, not worse. I don’t feel bad, exactly. I just don’t give a shit about a whole huge section of my life.

I seem to like best the parts of my life that occur places other than my home.

I like my job, I like my band, I like my local bars and restaurants, I like my friends. I don’t want to go home after visiting any of those places. I get mild baby anxiety symptoms when driving home.

Yes, I just said that: going home makes me anxious. Because I’m clearly in deep denial about things.

Aw, fuck.

I’m hip deep in the seven-year-itch and I’m trying to figure out if I still like being married. Actually, no I’m not – I know I don’t like it right now. What I’m trying to figure out is if my selfish discontent is enough of a reason to kill a perfectly good, took-me-years-to-find, warm and solid relationship.

This is not a fun space to be in. I feel like a total cunt.

I could go on and on and on describing all the shitty, destructive, heartbreaking relationships I went through before I found a man who loved and wanted me, and I could compare and contrast all night, illustrating how hard this relationship rocks. And there’s really nothing wrong with it. My home life is smooth. We laugh every day. We never argue about the things that most couples divorce over because we’re both really laid back.

But. While there’s nothing wrong with my marriage there just isn’t much right with it, either. I’m wondering if this is temporary grass-is-always-greener phase, or if I really am discontented in any kind of meaningful or significant way.

(Someone said something to me the other day, something that really struck me: “I want to be with someone who will make me be more than I am by myself.”

And I asked myself, am I more than I would be alone? And the answer, I think, is no. I’m not. I’m less, because I spend so much of my time caring for him that I end up not caring so much for me.

I don’t know that I believe that being with another person, any other person could ever make a person become more than they are alone. It is an interesting thought-experiment, though.)

It seems I’m tired of giving. Of being required to give, of having agreed to give so much of myself to another person. Tired of having to be pleasant, available, open. I don’t want to talk about my fucking day, I don’t want to cuddle, I don’t want to be propositioned, I don’t even want anybody to be there when I get home. I want to be able to go somewhere, anywhere that is totally and completely MINE and where no one has the right to walk in and expect anything of me without being invited.

I spend a lot of time in my office, but my husband just walks in and bugs me. He’s not trying to bug me, he’s just trying to hang out with his wife — the one who has been ignoring him a great deal for about five months now. But it feels like he’s bugging me, and I’m discovering that it pisses me off that I’ve made decisions that have put me in a position where I have essentially given up my right to be totally autonomous ever again. I’m not a me, I’m a we, and I don’t like it. It’s our house, our life, our world.

I really don’t feel like I have the right to say to him that I want him to stay the fuck out of my room. I mean, this is what I always wanted, right? A life partner. To never be alone. To be known and loved. He’s my husband, my partner, he should be able to ask me for my attention and affection. He deserves.

Sad thing is, apparently I need a great deal more space than he does. He seems to be infinitely capable of sustaining a level of physical and psychic intimacy that makes me feel like I’ve lost my boundaries altogether. And the experiment of the past few years of my marriage has taught me that when I feel like I’ve lost my boundaries altogether? I. Go. Nuts.

I get crazy, depressed. I have these terrifying, awful panic attacks.

Who knew! It turns out I’m really, really good at denial… and all this time I thought I was really in tune with myself!

Christ.

Reading the blogosphere yesterday killed me. All these single folk going on and on about how they wanted intimacy, to belong, to have someone wondering where they were, to have and to hold, yada yada yada. And I’m thinking, What I would give to be alone! To not have to answer to anyone! To schedule my own meals, sleep times, social times! To not be a fucking ‘we’! To be able to make decisions by myself again! Oh God, to control my own life!

But it’s been so long that I don’t know if I really want what I think I want. This could just be a phase, a step of personal evolution. Growing pains. Does anyone really want to be lonely?

I am a pretty selfish person. I’m great at giving when I choose to give, but once I pass a certain line I resent it. I didn’t know this about myself, but after observing the shape of my panic disorder over the past few years I have to acknowledge that it’s true: I didn’t want to know I was selfish, that I resented sharing myself and my space so much, so I internalized it and became sick.

I basically don’t want anyone depending on me. If that’s not the very definition of selfish, I don’t know what is.

VD Moon

In which I babble aimlessly, just as you’ve come to expect! Because if nothing else I certainly aim to please. Now hush up and pay attention.

Last night after work I picked Bread up from BoS’s house, then bought us drive-thru (with plastic – ugh) and took him to the bowling alley, where he was going to hang out watching BoS bowl league until I finished band practice.

But then he decided he was sleepy so I went ahead and took him home; it seemed silly to make him sit in the bowling alley bar when what he really wanted to do was fall asleep on the couch. I mean, he’d done three loads of laundry that day, so he deserved a ride home, right? So I drove him home and dropped him off, then turned right around and headed back to town for band practice.

The moon was just rising — it was about a quarter past seven — and it was massive and orange and so very beautiful. I tried to take a picture of it with my cell phone, but it sucks and does the experience absolutely no justice:

orange-moon

When I got to rehearsal, there was chocolate because PjK is a doll. Yum.

I taught him, WTC, and KO another song I’d written and they seemed to like it. We played but mostly we chatted a lot. Love those guys. (GSW and BvB weren’t there last night, so it was only a partial rehearsal.)

My guitar needs new strings; it won’t stay in tune. I also really need to start playing with a pick.

I gave WTC a fairly vigourous back rub (he actually likes Rolfing) because his back is still fucked up and apparently he can’t get emergency visits with his chiro.

And then I drove home, around 10:30, and went promptly to bed.

In totally unrelated news, this is a picture of Bread and me from the engagement party the other night:

bread-and-mush

My favorite VD quote from the blogosphere: “At least if you’re single you know what to do: wear black and self-medicate.”

Working Hard

In which I’ve been totally busy all day! (This is a geek post; you can skip it if you’re not one.)

You know what’s awesome? Being busy at work! There’s an old web server here that’s been hacked (yes, totally pwn3d – and yes, we’re appropriately ashamed) and some clever little punk-ass geek is running a mail server on it and sending tons of spam.

Tons of spam. Which is slowing the box way down, and both mail and HTTP services are halting and crashing. Argh. The box is totally compromised.

Buzz has been engaged in a fairly active battle with our spamming friend all day. He’d take the mail server down, the hacker’d turn it back on. Root passwords have been changed, stuff’s been deleted, installed, moved… it’s a kind of chess-like warfare, really.

servers

I’ve been moving content off the hacked box and onto another server as fast as I can. Some of the content I’ve moved and done DNS for included my employers’s own web site and several sub-domains. Getting those moved was exciting — pages didn’t come up, scripts didn’t work, PHP wasn’t turned on — but we managed it. Then it turns out the cgi-scripts still aren’t working, so I just spent the last hour messing with that but I still can’t get them to work and I have tons of sites left to move. We need to get the box turned off ASAP.

The day has whizzed by! I think I actually feel good about this whole working-for-a-living thing. *shudder*

Books for PJK

A list of predominantly hard sci-fi books for your reading pleasure. I’ll loan you the ones I have, as soon as I can find them.

Click book covers to go to Amazon.

Lucifer\'s Hammer
Lucifer’s Hammer ~ This is the one I told you about Tuesday. Oh YUM. A dinosaur-killer strikes the earth; hilarity ensues.

Darwin\'s Radio
Darwin’s Radio ~ I have the second book, Darwin’s Children, in paperback. You’ll have to buy this first one.

Ilium
Ilium ~ I have both this and the sequel Olympos in hardcover. Combines hard sci-fi and the classics you wish you were reading.

Code of the Lifemaker
Code of the Lifemaker ~ I can’t remember why I liked this book so much, only that I did.

An Oblique Approach
An Oblique Approach ~ This is not hard sci-fi, it’s military sci-fi/alternate history. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING; I’ve read the entire series twice. (I think I only have these in ebook format, though.)

The Boat of A Million Years
The Boat of A Million Years ~ Solid hard sci-fi. I think I have it in hardcover.

Wheelers
Wheelers ~ This was a great read. Neat alien lifeforms. I used to have it in paperback; I’ll look around.

~+~+~+~
For free sci-fi in ebook format: the Baen Free Library.
For sci-fi that’s not free, in ebook format: Fictionwise and Mobipocket.