Today I was surfing knitting blogs, and ended up at menknit.net, which is – obviously – a site for men who knit.

Men have been knitting forever; in fact, they most probably invented it. Yet it’s been considered ‘women’s work’ probably since the Victorian times [that’s my guess], so men who knit don’t have much community. I mean, even my knitting site is called Iowa Chicks Knitting because I thought the name sounded cool and honestly it simply did not occur to me that men in Iowa would want to join. (Can you say, HOW SEXIST IS THAT?!) (“How sexist is that!”) (Thank you.) In my own defense, all the men I know enjoy internal combustion engines, guns, and pork products. They just don’t knit, although a couple of them say they know how to.

Anyway, menknit.net has a list of links to their members’ blogs, and I surfed a few (while troubleshooting a Sonicwall VPN setup over the phone here at work) mainly to look at their WIPs and FOs. In the process I came across this post, by a gay guy wondering about the fag/lesbian double standard.

And it reminded me that I’ve been meaning to vent about this topic for months! So, here it is: my Why You’re A Dork To Expect Me To Eat Pussy When You’re Not Willing To Suck Dick Yourself rant. (Sorry for the language, but y’all know how it is around here.)

This is the double standard I’m bitching about: straight guys think two women together is the hottest thing ever, and they all admit to having fantasies about a two-girl-one-guy threesome. ALL OF THEM. And many of them will shamelessly ask their woman if she’ll consider taking another woman to bed with them! This has happened to me more than once.

That this occurs does not upset me in the least. But that they – the men asking – think of this as being totally normal and natural while having the nerve to be “disgusted” by the idea of taking another MAN to bed just PISSES ME OFF.

When propositioned in this way I tend to say something utterly unromantic along the lines of, “I have a vagina of my own, and I know how they are. They’re terrifying. You wouldn’t catch me putting my fingers anywhere near one I didn’t own myself, let alone my face. Wouldn’t it be so much sexier if we just hooked up with another guy instead?”

And the reaction is always the same kneejerk double standard: “No way! That’s GROSS!” Most men will tell you that two women together is ‘natural,’ and say in the next breath that two men together is somehow not natural? Puh-leeze! None of it is ‘natural’, gentlemen! The human body is built for two, NOT THREE!

Now pay attention here. The ancient Greeks – remember them? – were all about man love. (Okay, not really all about it. But romantic love, including sex, between men was popular and considered acceptable, normal, and natural. Even beautiful. The West’s whole concept of male beauty comes straight from those boy-humping Greeks… the ones who also gave us GOVERNMENT and the philosophy that molded at a shockingly fundamental way the WAY WE ALL THINK.)

Two-thousand six-hundred years later, everyone thinks girl-on-girl is ‘natural,’ and that it doesn’t even make the females in question ‘gay’ because it’s so very ‘natural’… but guy-on-guy is done only by people who are, well, “gay”. (You know, the ones who are born that way. The “real” fags. Or dudes in jail. But not NORMAL guys.)

WT flying F!?!? Guys, I know the idea of four boobs in one bed is distracting, but you’re just not THINKING RATIONALLY here!

It’s my opinion that any human being is capable of having homosexual sex, but that the majority are simply unlikely ever to pursue it because it doesn’t interest them. And I simply LOATHE the misguided idea that all women secretly want to get down with another woman because it’s YOUR MALE FANTASY and that that makes it somehow more ‘natural’ for two straight women to be together than two straight men!

I’ll tell you right now that the idea of a threesome consisting of two women and a man sounds hideous to me. I imagine that most men couldn’t realistically keep up with two women in the first place, and also that such a scene would by its very nature have to be more about porno-style performing than making love. Which interests me not in the least, since I’ve been out of my twenties now for six years.

However, the idea’s opposite – two dudes and a woman… well! Let’s just say I’d at least be willing to discuss it. {nudge, nudge, wink, wink!} Providing he was totally fucking hot, of course, in a masculinely vulnerable sort of way.

{rofl!}

My conclusion is that threesomes are essentially intellectual excercises anyway, since the human body is clearly hardwired for twosomes. And in that context there is simply NO COMBINATION that is more ‘natural’ than any other: girl-girl-boy, GBB, GGG, BBB… it’s ALL artificial in terms of biology. What’s considered hot right now – chicks together – is simply a social convention, and the truth is that the opposite was hot in Socrates’ time.

Here’s to waitin’ for that pendulum to swing back!