Category Archives: Whining

On the cult of printed books.

In which I’m kind of a dick about people trying to wean themselves off of their identification with their belongings (which is a very important stage of development, of course, but seriously, this has to be the hundredth blog post I’ve read about how deeply attached bitches are to their Harry Potter books, and I’m like, You were literally raised in the cheap portable personal electronics age, and your attachment to books, to actual paper printed books, is, compared to those who went before you and truly used books in a way you never needed to, tenuous at best, and yet here you are talking like you were a monk illuminator who just watched his whole life’s work burn to the very ground).

I love to read, but this maudlin affectation about book collecting currently infecting our group consciousness is getting silly. “I really love books!” is turning into some sort of off-kilter, past-worshiping, item-hoarding cult. We get it: you love the smell of books and the feel of a favorite volume in your hand. So does everybody else. Shut up already.

The vast majority of books you read aren’t that good, and won’t need to be read again. And reference is all online now, you don’t need encyclopedias or dictionaries or histories. You can put a thousand years of human knowledge on a single eReader, but you’ll still probably read throw-away pop fiction. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

The old fashioned library is dying, and in many ways, yes, it sucks, but let it go. Jesus. The TERRIBLE STRUGGLE you go through trying to pare down your embarrassment of stuff, to minimalize, to quit decorating with books you’ve never even read, truly verges on the absurd. You’re having crazy romantical identity feelings about a particular style of inanimate object. If you talked like this about rolls of aluminum foil, we’d tell you to see a specialist.

(I realize the analogy breaks down, because while aluminum foil is incredibly useful, it’s not potentially filled with knowledge in the same way a book is, but books aren’t dying: the format is changing. As are our lifestyles: we don’t have family seats where libraries can live for generations; we move every few years. The energy expended in moving a library of paper books that you could store on a six ounce device just for false nostalgia is wasteful. Period. And there are more books being published every day than used to be published in entire years.)

I get that it’s hard the first time, when you’re ten or eleven or so, and, because you spent all Saturday fucking off and not cleaning your room, your dad stuffs “everything that isn’t schoolwork or clothing,” meaning all your books and toys, into trash bags and throws it all out: yeah, you’re a kid, and you cry because you just lost your purple teddy bear for disobeying, and losing your beloved things is hard.

But if you’re old enough to have a book collection, you’re old enough to know that you are not your stuff, and that reading itself, that magical alchemy in which somehow an entire world fits inside you and lives there, isn’t going away, and everything in your books and papers can be digitized and stored in a smaller, lighter, more easily searchable format, and your maudlin attachment to a data format is too forced and common to really seem genuine.

books

I recently started learning how to make bread. It turns out that holding a ball of soft, living bread dough in your hand feels an awful lot like holding a book: it’s an act that belongs to everyone of us, it reaches backwards and forwards through time, it contains potential, it nourishes, and, honestly, you really have only a vague idea of how it’s going to turn out.

All of which is to say, hey, if getting rid of some treeware is truly heartbreakingly difficult for you, then you’re basically a Disney princess in terms of level of real world difficulty. Lucky you!

Living in Uptown

In which I’m all about the neighborhood.

I’m an Uptown girl!

Uptown!

After a full month, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that I’m stupid and missing something, it’s that there really is nowhere to put our remaining stuff. It has to go away somehow, or get packed into the basement storage closet, because there’s just no way to organize it. And I’m sick of having bags and boxes in my living room! Ugh!

For people who don’t have much shit, we have too much shit. Hell, we have an entire drawerful of single-function kitchen gadgets. I mean, I’m sure I really did feel like I needed a garlic press, tongs, corkscrew, can opener, and thermometer at one time or another, but all that crap in one drawer and it’s basically a bunch of shit that wants to gnaw your arm off at the wrist. Dude, seriously, that drawer is dangerous and pointy. Stay out of it.

I’ve also got a bit of buyer’s remorse, on the level of the apartment’s issues. The window and air conditioner leak when it rains. None of the outlets will hold a plug, so everything’s always falling out, which is frustrating as hell — I can’t even count how many times we’ve had to reset the digital alarm clock on the nightstand, or how often the internet’s gone out because the router plug (which we have taped to the wall) just fell out.

Laundry list of first world problems. I know. I know. There’s more, of course:

The A/C basically only half-works. It comes on, but even if you have it on full blast, it cycles off every few minutes and just blows recycled air. (Even if you run it for hours it never gets cold in the apartment, and merely cooking a meal makes the place unbearable even with the door freshly weather sealed and two fans circulating the air). Half the lights in the kitchen overheat after ten minutes and turn themselves off, so cooking and dishes and cleaning is done mostly in a sort of dim gloom. And it’s smaller. And there’s no cross breeze. Plus it costs more than the other place!

But the location is great. I love the location. Bars, stores, tacos, falafel, liquor, parks, lakes, libraries, coffee, nail salons. Pretty much anything you could ever want is within walking distance.

Well, except for a job. I still don’t have one of those, but I’m not out of money yet so I’m trying not to freak out about it. I basically don’t let myself go out and spend money more than once a week, and usually that’s either a trip to The Egg & I for breakfast, or down to CC Club for a drink. Just to get out while it’s not blizzard season and enjoy the fact that I can. But basically I’m afraid to spend, because part of me is convinced I’ll never get another job again. Too many online friends out of work for two or more years, all those ladies at Home Depot with two or three jobs, my age, plus getting turned down by that little CU for both of their P/T teller gigs…

Oh, and this: I applied at the wrong grocery store. My Saturday interview last weekend wasn’t over here at the neighborhood store, it was 4 miles and a half hour bus ride away, on the other side of what Scott described as “pretty sketchy areas.” Never occurred to me that the Cub on Lake street would actually be on Lagoon, and that the one on 26th is actually called the Lake Street one. Because how would anyone who doesn’t work there even know that?!

Anyway, we moved here so I could make friends and have a life without needing to buy a car or drag my beloved everywhere all the time. To make friends, you go out. Frequently. And people get used to seeing you and start talking to you, and the next thing you know you’ve been off on adventures and you have a back story and now you’re friends. The last time I went through this process in a new town I was spending the last of my money like a dumb kid (which obviously worked out okay or I wouldn’t be here, but still isn’t very responsible) or I was on unemployment. It takes a lot of money, actually, to just hang out in a bar or a bookstore or a coffee shop enough to belong there. Well, “a lot” if you have no income, I mean.

So I now live somewhere cool! Yay! And I’m not doing shit. Boo. Right now I have time and no money; by the time I’m working again I’ll have money and no time (and it’ll be too cold to go anywhere anyway). I’m basically screwed either way.

I should really be looking for a band, but it’s too hot. I just can’t even. Actually I found a couple of musicians via Craigslist last spring and then blew off following up with them because of work and moving and travel and blah blah blah I suck.

The old place was closer to Scott’s work, had a park next door, no traffic, everything worked, was bigger, was cheaper. He didn’t want to move; I did. I just didn’t like the neighborhood, because everything was a mile or more away over an overpass. Now I like the neighborhood but I’m too old and too conservative to spend money without a job and I basically just look at it out the window and feel like an asshole because I know any second now there will be three feet of snow out there and it’ll be twenty below and it won’t matter that there’s a corner store because I’ll just wait ’til the weekend so I can get a ride in the car to the grocery, like I did at the old place, and we’ll have moved for nothing.

Because that’s how the Midwest works. You’re frantic in the spring and fall to Go Out And Do Things, and the lakeshores and streets are absolutely stuffed with humanity. During summer there’s still a lot of bodies (because these people don’t seem to understand that HUMIDITY IS AWFUL) but less than spring and fall, I think, and in the winter you hardly ever see anybody outside besides in grocery store parking lots, at all, ever, because the weather will legit kill you. They don’t even plow most of the sidewalks, because people aren’t walking.

Lots of traffic at our intersection. Really a strong noise comparison with the old place. Cars here 24 hours a day, lots of emergency vehicles, foot traffic pretty much all the time. Lots of activity and vibrancy. It’d probably feel amazing if I knew anybody, but mostly I still feel like a tourist. Or a tourist’s mother.

Seriously. I unconsciously classify the vast majority of people who walk by as “kids.” How did I get this old? Continue reading Living in Uptown

Fried foods

In which there’s a snack orgy for Sunday dinner.

I worked all weekend, of course, because nobody gives a shit that I MOVED TWO THOUSAND MILES TO HANG OUT WITH THE GUY I LIVE WITH AND NOT TO WORK AT THE FUCKING HOME DEPOT. Working evenings and weekends sucks.

Yesterday evening my beloved came to pick me up from work at seven and then suggested we grab dinner from Chipotle since our coupon was about to expire, and that way nobody would have to cook.

As we were standing in the always-bafflingly-long line at the closest Chipotle restaurant, my beloved pulled out his phone and proceeded to show me a cheese and jalapeno samosa, which led us both to agree that we could sure go for some delicious Indian snacks…

…and then we left the line and drove to the Indian food store, where we bought five different kinds of frozen Indian snacks and two kinds of chutney — coconut and tamarind — to go with the mint chutney we had at home.

Then we came home and I fried a huge plate worth of samosas, pakoras, tikkis, and kachoris and we ate them for dinner. Indian snacks are fucking amazing. India’s been snacking for thousands of years and they have that shit DOWN.

And Oh. My. God., the aloo tikki is a puck-shaped tater tot stuffed with super spicy lentils and it’s AMAZING. Especially with mint chutney.

Why I’m not posting.

In which your most burning question is answered in a single sentence.

Work is busy as fuck because I’m a one-person department and the general public, with whom I must deal daily, gets more and more bitchy and high maintenance every goddamned second, and I have a couple of projects I’m forever behind on so I don’t have those few minutes every here and there I used to have for crafting and editing posts, and my home machine is still down from that one time I got a parity error and shut it off because I’m too hot/lazy to fuck with it just yet especially since I can watch TV on my Fire while eating popcicles in front of the box fan and ignore working on it altogether, and I still haven’t written my annual Amma post because I’m not sure I have anything to say other than it was as ever the single-most important thing I do all year and I now know experientially that Guru is greater than God (even though we know the distinction is absurd, but still), and also seriously the California ashram sucks because there’s nowhere to sit that isn’t gravel or bark dust and everything you want is at least 500 yards away straight uphill and your hotel room is a 15-minute drive down an absurdly windey canyon, but ultimately there truly is nothing more fucking astonishingly goddamned heart-achingly gorgeous than an avatar because holy shit, fellow humans, that That deigns to come walk among us changes everything, but all that aside, quite honestly a lot of time I just decide to drink a bunch of cocktails rather than blog and honestly who the fuck can blame me because it’s not like I don’t tweet and Flickr constantly.

Q. u mad, bro? A. yeah, I mad

In which I’m feeling bitchy, so I’m going to bitch.

1.) First of all, that rain? Isn’t just rain. There’s fucking snow in it. I know this because I just rode my bike to work in it, and now I’m cold and wet and my space heater died so I’m going to stay this way for an hour or so and it sucks.

2.) No matter how many times or ways I quit smoking, I fail. I’m generally pretty good at most of the things I try, but let me tell you: I suck at this. Research is showing I’ll probably need a support group to get this thing done. (And a move to an ashram where I would never be able to smoke. And someone to beat me if I broke down and tried. Ugh.)

3.) Because I can’t stop exposing my various mucous membranes to smoke and all its attendant immuno-suppressing toxins, I’m coming down with another. Goddamned. Cold.

4.) To stave off this impending cold, I had soup and juice for dinner and then slept 12 hours last night. I spent so much time resting I practically have bed sores. My bones hurt from lying down.

My throat hurts when I swallow anyway. (Yes, I destroyed and threw out my smokes. Again. I don’t even really know how I managed to come into possession of them; it just happened.)

Continue reading Q. u mad, bro? A. yeah, I mad

Job hunting. It's so awesome. Where 'awesome' equals 'not so very.'

In which I apply for jobs.

So I’ve been more-unemployed-than-less now since December 2009. That’s nearly two years, if you do the math. Sure, I spent nine months of that time in school taking CCNA classes, but I didn’t really enjoy it because I perpetually felt like I was way far behind and I got a shit grade I may never get over in one of my courses the last trimester.

Today I applied for a retail job at a Halloween store. (Yes, I just wrote both RETAIL JOB and AT A HALLOWEEN STORE. I will only stab myself in the eye socket with a broken chopstick if they call me for an interview.) Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a clerk’s position at the liquor store next to the Hasting’s over on 9th.

I’ve gotten one callback from all the applications I’ve submitted, at a rate of no less than three per week, since I got out of school in June. It was for a part-time, minimum-wage, first tier tech support position in a suburb of Portland. I accidentally deleted the number.

If it weren’t for gigs and the few hours I get from that remote QA testing job, I wouldn’t have been able to buy a four dollar bottle of wine today. (YES, I AM DRINKING FOUR DOLLAR WINE. THAT’S FOUR DOLLARS I DIDN’T SPEND ON CRACK.)

Go die in a fire, Sales, you stupid prick. (And hey: nobody likes you, by the way.)

In which I HAZ A MAD.

Dear cell phone carrier,

JUST FUCKING TELL ME HOW MUCH IT COSTS WHEN I ASK. I’m going to sign up anyway, and your stupid contract will ensure I can’t go anywhere.

Do not tell me “it’s sixty-nine ninety-five a month,” when that number is as related to how much the service actually costs as peanut butter is to parallelograms: which is to say, NOT AT ALL.

My $70 plan now mysteriously costs nearly $100 a month; that’s an extra $360 a year. Why not just tell me what the fees add up to in the first place? I mean, I asked you right to your goddamned face, and you decided to lie to me. Continue reading Go die in a fire, Sales, you stupid prick. (And hey: nobody likes you, by the way.)

Banking.

In which the banking industry has no manners because it feels it doesn’t need to.

I’m listed at Chex Systems.

The reason for this starts with a d and ends with ivorce; long story short, all the bills were in my name and we lived just at the very edge of our means and then he quit working and a bunch of shit went ballistic. An unscrupulous creditor put a lien on my checking account and fucked up my financial life. But instead of going bankrupt, I found a debt reduction program and I’ve been paying off my debt for the past three years. Even though it was our debt. So I’m not only not bad, I’m good, mmm’kay? Any bank should be pleased to have me as a customer, because if I were to find myself owing them money I would pay it back. Continue reading Banking.

I have this red bicycle…

In which it’s… well, if not the best story, at least there’s a learning curve. That’s always good, right?

Over the last few months, I’ve invested a non-trivial amount of time in reading up on bicycle maintenance. There are all kinds of informative articles and videos on the Internet, and it’s just a bike, right? I’m smart, I should be able to learn how to take care of a bike, right?

Well, sort of. It turns out that while I was interested enough in doing the research itself, I wasn’t interested enough to actually do any of the things I’d learned, so I caved and took the bike over to Allegro Cyclery where it was given a tune-up and new tires by persons who were not myself.

Tuesday morning I walked over – via a stop at the Starbucks on 1st & Main, which had literally been remodeled overnight and was really disorienting and weird – to pick it up. I gave them eighty bucks, and they gave me my bike! In working condition!

My bike has brand new tires!

I walked it a block to the pita place and grabbed a falafel for lunch (falafel travels comfortably in the purse, you see). Then I rode it home. And it was awesome. And fast! Yay, I have a BIKE again! For the first time since, what, since I was dating Vita at MIU? So, probably fifteen years.

I ate, I worked for a bit, I made calls to WorkSource and WWCC. Then I went for another ride! Whee! Bicycle! WHEE! I went to the post office. I rode around in circles. I rode around downtown. I timed the trip back from St. Mary’s because I had an appointment there later. I rode through the insane crazy construction zone that is much of 1st street. Three times.

Which was probably a mistake, because when I went to hop back on the bike (to go get my boobs smashed in an expensive machine at St. Mary’s) it had a flat.

So I jumped in the truck and drove ten blocks (that global warming thing? MY FAULT) because I didn’t have time to walk. And the nice lady in Imaging smashed my boobs in an expensive machine for the first time ever (it hurts, by the way), and then I went back to the bike shop to buy a patch kit and some kind of bike-tire-airing-up apparatus.

Since I hadn’t aired up a bike tire in over a decade, I didn’t really have a way to choose between various bike-tire-airing-up apparatuses, so after the awesome guy showed me all the available choices, I just picked the smallest one. Because, as you know, I love tiny electronics, and I figured a tiny tool is close enough, and there’s a compressor at home that weighs seven hundred pounds so what I really need is a portable bike-tire-airing-up apparatus thingy that I can take with me.

Awesome tiny CO2 bike tire pump!

And when I got home I aired up the tire, just to see if it really had a hole in it.

The Murray, upside down

It did, damn it.

Today, I took the tire off the bike (which required more time than you’d think, since I had to find tools and figure out how to do it) and got the tube out and stuck it in the sink and found the bubbles and patched the hole. (I think that may have been the very first time in my entire life that I’ve ever patched a bicycle tire all by myself.) Then I put the tire back together and took it out to the garage to air it up.

And then I spent a long damn time finding the right attachment for the compressor, and then an even longer time trying to set the bead on the damned tire before finally giving up for a couple of hours because HOLY COW THIS JUST SHOULDN’T TAKE THIS FREAKING LONG, IT JUST SHOULDN’T. (It was hard because the tire is new and has therefore been folded up in a box until just recently, and because compressors blow a lot of air really fast, and because the attachment I was using was kind of awkward to control, and because I’m not seriously mechanical by nature).

The compressor

Stupid flat tire. Jeez. I just picked the freaking thing up yesterday. Hell, I probably didn’t even ride it five miles! What the hell, stupid flat tire!

At least it wasn’t the rear tire. Knock on wood.

When I tried again a few hours later, I got the bead to set and the tire filled up beautifully. And it was still light outside, so I’d have time for a ride! Yay! But when I turned off the compressor, I could hear hissing.

“Oh, no you don’t,” I said, holding the tire up to my ear.

Oh yes it did. The thing was hissing like a snake. “Damn it! Damn it all to HELL!” I yelled, stomping my foot.

No, it wasn’t the patch failing – I’d done that right. It was the valve leaking. I must have broken it somehow, in the course of my learning curve. No bike rides for me today. Argh! This is entirely too tedious for a freakin’ bicycle tire!!!

I’m just going to take the thing back to the bike shop tomorrow and have them replace the tube for me, because I’m not interested in screwing around with it any more. I just want to ride the damn bike over to WWCC and back to see how long it takes!

Oh, well. At least I now have an adorable tiny little tool kit. And I’ve learned how to patch a tire and where the attachment is for the compressor, all stuff I hadn’t known before. So that’s good. Right?

Bike tools toolbox

Yes, as a matter of fact I am keeping my bike tools in the box I got from my manicurist that used to contain emery boards. (What. The stuff fits perfectly!) World’s tiniest toolbox! Whoo hoo!