I pay most of my bills online. Today, I was unable to pay three of them – this has never happened before. One site locked me out after an incorrect password entry, another’s database was down, and a third was in restricted status because I haven’t made a payment in three months – oops.

This bothers me terribly, because now these institutions expect me to call them. And speak with them. On the phone.

I hate calling places, which is why I pay all my bills online (except three that don’t accept online payments, and for those I usually drop checks off in drop boxes after the businesses are closed). I’d rather pull my nails out with pliers while holding my hands submerged in a vat of boiling Mercurochrome than call a company and discuss, with some unholy bitch, why I haven’t paid them in three months or why I typed my password in wrong or why their web site won’t take my damn money.

Voice communication with vendors is so last century.