I just had an hour-long panic attack, right here in my own office. IN THE MORNING. (I usually enjoy adrenaline hell in the evening, in the privacy of my own home.)
I had to leave my desk and walk around the block. I poured out almost a whole latte and filled my water bottle instead. While I interacted normally with everyone who came to my desk, I was experiencing a hidden fear that THIS one would indeed become a REAL heart attack.
My nervous system has totally gone to shit. Fuck this noise.
Panic Attacks and Anxiety is a good article (even though a paragraph about actual fibrillation made me have to get up and walk around the office for a bit because I was overcome with a wave of intense fear) and the doctor’s understanding of how people can resist thinking they’re “just” having panic attacks is heartening:
“People often resist or deny a diagnosis of panic attack. Some people cling to their physical symptoms, convinced that they are pointing to a heart problem or something similar. They have trouble believing that it’s actually the nervous system that is causing the symptoms. They may feel that there’s a stigma attached to the diagnosis of panic attack, as there often is to mental illness — that it’s somehow humiliating or implies cowardice, moral failure, or weakness of character. They’re afraid I’m telling them that it’s all in their mind.”
(That’s because there’s lotsa literature out there that says, “It’s all in your mind.” !!! In fact, there’s an amazing amount of shit on the web that says it’s from bad parenting or the stress of living in the city. Total bullshit. It may start as a mental disease for some, but for most I think it’s a learned fear reaction to a suddenly and very fucked-up nervous system.)
“But it’s not really like mental illness or delusion — it’s as if your whole body were being jolted with electricity, with nervous impulses gone out of control in a kind of short circuit or feedback loop. It’s like an involuntary discharge of the autonomic nervous system — a strictly physiological response that is not subject to your mental control or caused by your thinking process. In fact, people sometimes say that they were feeling very calm before an attack, or not thinking about anything particularly stressful or emotionally jarring. Sometimes they protest that it can’t be “nerves” because they weren’t really under stress that day. But it doesn’t necessarily take a stressful incident to set off a panic attack. Rather, stress to the nervous system builds up gradually, over a long time, and finally reaches a limit and spills over in a sudden overload.
“A similar thing can happen in some people with heart problems — a nerve network in the heart muscle can suddenly start to generate amplified signals, in a kind of neurological feedback loop. This can go haywire and cause fibrillation: the heart stops beating rhythmically and just vibrates.
“Panic attack is a true physiological syndrome, which people should accept and take constructive steps to correct.”
Constructive steps, sadly, include becoming a total roo: cut the toxins, period. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol. NICOTINE. Junk food.
I know you all know this already, but I don’t want to know it. I come from a loooong line of drinkin’, smokin’ rednecks, and I don’t want to be a delicate goddamned flower. I don’t want to be afraid that going to the bar on New Year’s Eve will give me complete neuro-chemical meltdown, I don’t want to eat at Noodle House (the food SUCKS!), or wear Arctic-rated coats in April because I’m weak and timid and so c-c-cold, I don’t want to pop suppliments every day because there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t want to be one of those people that people like me look at and think, ‘she should have a damned drink and relax already!’
I do, however, want symptom relief.
Last year I didn’t think it was panic syndrome. I still don’t think it’s only panic syndrome, but I don’t know what else it is: perimenopause? thyroid disorder? I think the panic syndrome has grown out of whatever it is that started me on this road to being out of whack.
And YES, I’m fully aware that “whatever it is” very well could be cigarettes, coffee, coke, and drive-thru! Shut up already and listen! I’m a vegetarian and I eat more fiber than God, I smoke less than a pack a day, my coffee addiction is a non-intimidating one cup a day, and my partying-with-hard-drugs phase was, in the grand scheme of things, fairly brief and limited. (Sure, I’ve done enough LSD to be considered clinically insane, and I’ve stayed up all night once or twice, but most of the people I know have done more drugs than I have! And THEY don’t think they’re having heart attacks EVERY GODDAMNED DAY!)
So why me? Yes, I indulge myself in hedonistic pleasures pretty damned frequently. But I’m moderate in my hedonism, if one can be such a thing, and I shouldn’t have to give any of it up! I don’t smoke two packs a day! I don’t drink an entire pot of coffee every day! I didn’t spend a year of my twenties on crank! I don’t even drink that much! I deserve NOT to have to be A DELICATE GODDAMNED FLOWER!
So. Complaining aside, the clarity of the edges of this particular little hell – panic syndrome – means that quitting my bad habits is not all I can do. I can and should at least get treated, since there are concrete treatment modalities for panic syndrome (and there aren’t, really, any for a non-diagnosed thyroid disorder or the hellish and random hormonal fluctuations of “premenopause”). So I’m gonna try and get some balls screwed on and call Dr. England, who is a shrink, and when they ask me why I’m there I’ll start with panic attacks and then sneak the rest of it in while they’re not looking. And then maybe I’ll even score some script for NRT… even though I don’t want to have to quit smoking goddammit!
…Do you think I’m developing a bad attitude?
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if you’re developing a bad attitude, it’s with very good reason.
with the shrink (person A)(depending on if it’s a psychologist, psychiatrist, prescribing psychologist or therapist), they’ll refer you to someone else (person B)(the prescribing sort) who will be able to help with the physical symptoms.
person A (you probably know already) will help you with the psychological aspects. so you’ll have two people to help with one problem.
i’m going to stop rambling there because i lost my train of thought.
and i don’t think you’ll ever be a DELICATE FLOWER, no matter how hard you try. 😉
Hmm. I started having ‘episodes’ about two and a half years ago. I’d be walking down the street and suddenly forget to breathe because I was *freaking* out so much that someone stopped to ask directions. Nasty little whip monkey to be cartin’ around. So I went to a psychiatrist that worked in the same building and he prescribed Lorazepam. **Dink! Panic mode on permanent halt.** ‘Course, he also discovered that I’m just plain loco and put me on anti-depressants for a few years. I’m off all of it now and feel better than I have in years. I know you might not want to take medication for something that’s “in your head” (uh huh), but I found it to be incredibly life-affirming when I realized there really wasn’t anything WRONG with me aside from being a little bit of a sad sack… oh, and that whole secreting away of seratonin (which, believe it or not, you can ‘teach’ your brain to not do that). Either way, good luck Mush. There is no reason for you to feel this way.
I still don’t think it’s “in my head.” I am never, ever thinking of anything freaky when this shit goes down. I’m the calmest goddamned person I know.
It’s a full-on electrical problem, I think. FIRST I get the symptoms, THEN I get scared.
And I have NO PROBLEM TAKING PILLS. (When I said “supplements,” I meant herbs and vitamins and shit that HAS NOT WORKED for this AT ALL so far.) Man, what I would GIVE for a **dink! panic mode on permanent halt** pill! Seriously! I don’t mind being some little bit freaked out: it’s the sliding, sucking, swooshing heartbeat that truly scares the fuck out of me.
Then skip the middle men, get thee to a shrinkery and get some pills! Definitely worth a try.
hey, you! i think what cooter was referring to as “in your head” just means that the basis of the dysfunction is neurochemical (physical location is in your brain), not always meaning some disturbance or imbalance in the thought processes. lord knows there’s nothing wrong with your thought processes.
so, yeah, strap those suckers on tight and see what possibilities await in the wonderful world of modern medicine. england is the prescribing AND therapy-ing type, btw. and your idea to begin with the panic attacks is a good one, but make sure you give him the thyroid and reproductive stuff at the same visit, so he can put them all into your BIG PICTURE.
you SHOULD be allowed your moderate vices…deprivation mode is a soul-less existence. and don’t believe for a minute that your constitution is DELICATE. it’s just some chemicals gone amuck, wreaking havoc with your autonomic/sympathetic nervous system. you might want to view it as a chance to purify for a bit; that this is your own body’s request for some reorganization, re-prioritazation. if it seems hard to do for yourself, think about doing it for amma, as a devotional gesture, and for your beloved mr brett. it’s only temporary (um, yeah, as if everything in this life isn’t?).
don’t ever hesitate to call or stop by for ANYTHING (home or work)… are you REALLY going to be out somewhere this friday? i was seriously considering stopping into the red rock to hear steve’s band (for the first time, i’m such a social junkie) for an hour after work. if you were going to be there, i’d most definitely have to do it. i hope your endeavors are successful, and you’re feeling better MUCH soon.
> get thee to a shrinkery
LMAO!!!
> “in your head” just means that the basis of the
> dysfunction is neurochemical (physical location
> is in your brain)
I didn’t mean to sound harsh, Coot!
> are you REALLY going to be out somewhere this friday?
Gawd, I dunno! I’ll certainly try if you’re gonna try!
Shit, SHit, Shit, shit! I almost cried reading your post (I know I’m behind in commenting). I’m better now but I went through a three year period of intense every five minute thought i was dying of heart failure. You name it, I did it. Doctor visits, healers, preachers, self therapy, drugs, no drugs, crying, sleeping… wanting it to end. I think at one point I thought it was demons, gawd, the devil, my brain, my heart.
I feel so much love for you about this it’s unreal. You know if I get real honest I still check my pulse all the time or freak out when my heart double beats.
So I guess I’m not saying anything besides you aren’t alone. SO not alone.
I’ve got something for you – give Tahmi a call on Fri and remind her. It was the only thing that worked for me outside of meds (The short time I was on them. I’ve probably already made my feelings about those clear – so why stir up the hornets nest…).
Life’s a journey they say. I say fix the fucking road – these potholes are screwing up my ride!
Signing off from the middle of nowhere NY, which is oddly reminiscent of nowhere IA where I was a mere 15 hours ago…actually it feels like a very odd melding of FF, Ottumwa and IA City all rolled into a town of about 15k. Strange.
>I’ve got something for you – give Tahmi a call on Fri and remind her.
She already called me. She’s so good. 🙂 We’ve agreed to talk again on the phone tomorrow.
And thank you.
> a very odd melding of FF, Ottumwa and IA City all rolled into a town of about 15k
Eewwh! This is a family site, man! Don’t TALK like that! (Okay, I say fuck too much for it to be a family site. But still, no one here needs to hear *that* kind of language. Fairfield, Ottumwa, and Iowa City’s evil New York love child?!? Fucking GACK!)
panic attacks are just your fight or flight system kicking in at a time when it shouldn’t. Used to be useful when we were hunter/gathers etc in yee old days but has got fuked up over generations during evolution.
You feel odd because of the adrenaline pumping – tbh tho the last thing you will do is faint or die – the point of the fight or flight system was always to keep you alive no matter what.
ofc theres much more to it than that but knowing that its actually happens to help u in a bad situation and nothing bad will happen does help.
One thing i did was to actuallyl concentrate on the symptoms as they started during it happening – and sort of analyse it as it always did the same things to me, i started to find it sort of funny … this continued for a bit until they sorta just went – then i forgot to even worry about them and that was pretty much it.
one thing u shouldnt do is give in to it – if you go to somewhere uncomfortable etc – and get an attack which makes you want to leave, dont, as this just reinforces to your subconcious that last time a certain situation happened it kicked in panic mode and that made it better, if you just hack it the next time the same situation occurs ur subconcious is less likely to bother as it didnt help last time
fuck it thats what i say