In which sitting around being passive isn’t working, so it’s time to get positive.

There are these two people I know. They’re awesome. They’re my friends. I love them. (They each possess some of the shiniest, thickest, healthiest hair you’ve ever seen in your life.) They sent me an email the other day suggesting that I read this cheesy self-help book. He said, “read this and then see what you can do,” and she said, “I know we’re all jaded about techniques, but this is one that has proven to us to have some value about it,” and since it was a free Kindle download, why not go ahead and read it?

Um, because it’s cheesy self-help crap and I’m so totally beyond that?

But these two people are verily the embodiment of teh awesome (plus it was free), so I downloaded the book and started to read it. And it was, of course, totally cheesy self-help crap, written at a forth grade reading level and filled with repetition, and I couldn’t figure out why such smart, deep people would be suggesting such material to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought, halfway through Chapter Two, I know all this. What the hell, they think I don’t know this?

And then it began to sink in. Sure, I know this, but I don’t know it. If I were living it, I wouldn’t be feeling so… bad. Useless. Lost. Pissed off.

The basic premise of the book is this: love yourself.

That’s it. Just… love yourself.

There’s a bunch of material pointing out the ways in which we don’t love ourselves, and some little exercises to help get the mind out of the way, but essentially it’s just a reminder that people who are inside-out are working too damn hard. Quit trying to get love/affirmation/acceptance from the outside world, and go back to the source: yourSelf.

Duh.

Every year I go and see my Sat Guru and every year I re-learn that I am love, and then a few months later I’ve forgotten it again.

I’ve really really forgotten it in the past couple of years, and the result has been directionlessness, dissatisfaction, negativity, guilt, irritation, and random waves of hellacious panic attacks that leave me feeling helpless and hopeless.

I spent the day reorganizing the inside of my head, pushing back the habits of the mind, and disabling my “I suck” soundtrack. My shoulders dropped about two inches as I let go of the stress.

Oh. Duh.

I don’t suck, I’m not stupid, there’s no reason to beat myself up for {insert whatever it is that I’m judging myself about}, everyone is cool, the world is cool, I love myself, I am love, it’s all groovy.

HOLY SHIT, BUT THE MIND IS A STONE-COLD NEGATIVE BITCH! I’m just sayin’. And I know this, have known it for years, but it’s so easy to identify with the mind and live there in judgment and then get all, “This sucks. The whole thing. All of it. Fuck these people, fuck this situation,” and stay there while still believing that you’re the awesome radiant being you want to be.

Hell. Literally. It’s hell.

Anyway, there’s also a focusing aspect to the book, so I’m compiling this list of Rando Things That Would Be Cool To Do. Incomplete and in no particular order, it currently looks like this:

• Travel to India.
• Stay/live in Amritapuri.
• Visit London.
• Become a flight attendant.
• Be free of panic and anxiety for good.
• Get a cruise ship gig.
• Vacation in Egypt.
• Be a full-time musician.
• Feel smart.
• Take piano lessons.
• Love exercise.
• Be free of debt.
• Have money.
• Hang out with inspiring, engaged people.
• Get divorced.
• Get paid to travel.
• Get more tattoos (particularly the karajishi I’ve wanted for, like, six years).
• Fix the bike and ride it instead of driving.
• Accept love without doubting its intention.
• Be the leader of the band.
• Get a job with great pay and a steep learning curve.
• See more old friends more often.
• Drop the self-doubt and regret thing.
• Record an album. My album.
• Do more spiritual practice. Want to do more spiritual practice.
• Quit being afraid of death: mine, my dog’s, my family members’.
• Celebrate pretty much everything.
• See more high-quality live music.
• Say yes more than no.

I think I’ll finally go get a passport next week. Why not be prepared, yeah? I’m not quite ready to do much else yet in the concrete sense, but at least I’m not sleeping all day and feeling stupid and guilty about it.

So, yeah. I guess the moral is that the truth is the truth, regardless of the source (even if it is way cooler from the East, with cute aphorisms instead of repetition). And P.S., your mind is a tool, not your identity. And P.P.S., your friends are freakin’ wonderful.