Category Archives: Love

Girls, girls, girls

In which it is girls’ night out! Whoop!

Gorgeous texted me Friday night: ‘Pre-party at my house 9:pm.’

I was late, of course. Bread and I had had a fight, and after had to spend some quality time “making up,” if you catch my drift. When nine came by, we were in the shower. I got quickly dressed and as I was leaving, Gorgeous texted me to say, “Where u at?”

I texted something dirty back to her — something along the lines of ‘on my way, had to get me some’ — and hopped in the jeep and drove right to her house stopping only at Mi-T-Mart for cigs.

Gorgeous & Rockstar and Ray were chillin’ in the basement, and we started drinking Tuaca while we chatted and watched a Jamiroquai vid. (I love Jamiroquai, OMG.) TiRi came over; I haven’t seen her in forever and she looks fantastic, so skinny and tanned with her cute little belly jewelry. By eleven thirty it was decided we absolutely must at least make an appearance at the bar; we four women walked over. At the Dead Cock we socialized and had drinks.

Gorgeous & Ray, Red Rock, 04/06
Gorgeous, Ray, at the Red Rock

When the bar closed at two, we walked back to Gorgeous’s house, screaming loudly the whole way about sex. Particularly, the myriad of wrong ways there are to perform oral sex on a woman and about the prettiest cocks we’d seen in our various sordid careers. It was a complete and total drunken laff riot. By the time we entered Gorgeous’s neighborhood, we were hissing loudly in an attempt to be quiet, hanging off each other, cackling, and trying not to trip over the broken sidewalks.

We hung out in the basement until nearly four in the morning. A few other people were there when we arrived, hanging out with Rockstar; a few more were supposed to come for afterhours but never did.

I drove Ray and TR back to 2nd street, where they’re next door neighbors, and then crashed on the bed in Ray’s basement ’cause I wasn’t in any shape to drive all the way to B-ville.

I woke up at 10:30 this morning because my phone rang. I missed the call, but it was NLW wanting me to do something with her so she could escape having to work all day. I went upstairs but Ray wasn’t home (and she hadn’t left me a note, either, wench) and then I went back downstairs, curled up with my new best friend Miss Muffin — the friendliest, cutest little tortoise shell cat you ever did see — and called Bread.

“Hi,” I said when he answered. “I’m not dead, but I am hung over!”

He laughed and said he’d figured that. We chatted, I agreed to pick up some motor oil for him, we hung up. I called NLW at home, she didn’t answer. I got dressed, sat around a bit, then called Ray. She didn’t answer. I left, drove around a bit, called NLW’s cell. She didn’t answer.

Got coffee, got tacos, went to Wally World. Bought two cheap plastic pitchers, some cheap plastic cups, and two quarts of 10/40. I felt inordinately proud of myself that I’d remembered to get pitchers; our last two were broken and eaten by a dog, respectively.

I got home, made a pitcher of Tang and a pitcher of iced tea, poured myself a cute little lime green-colored plastic cup of Tang, and answered my phone when it rang.

It was Re-re. Her dog, Dhuma, Stella’s sister, is dying. It’s awful. She’s having horrible seizures, isn’t eating or drinking every day, hasn’t gotten out of bed at all today. Re-re’s had that dog for over a third of her life, and Stella’s the same age as Dhuma. You know when you get them that they’ll die someday, but it sucks when it happens. I sat on the porch with my Tang and had a smoke and we talked dogs and life and other stuff; I watched my beloved Bindu as she flopped down under the Little Red Wagon for a nap and realized that she’s ten this year, which is really old for her breed. (An ACD’s life expectancy is 9-10 years.) She’s getting cataracts. And Stella has arthritis and has to be lifted into the truck most days. Oh, the dog love. So deep. *sniff*

Bindu, Daybed, 04/06
Bindu, my Australian Cattle Dog

When Bindu goes, I’ll have to be sedated. Seriously. That little Nazi Hitler of a blue thing owns me, absolutely owns me. I sing “Am I Blue?” to her and change the words so it’s about her. She’s an excellent cuddler. She’s totally velcro, which I love in a dog — I don’t like having to look for them. She’s half cat. She’s wonderful. She’s the dog of my heart.

Copyright. Bah.

In which I’m in SO much trouble.

I’m no longer allowed to post MP3s on this server ’cause I keep getting in trouble for it.

If I understand it right, goblinbox.com is physically located on a server colocated at The Planet, which is, I think, a server farm somewhere in California. I think my buddy Keef owns the box in question, and shares its operating costs with an awesome friend of his, Codergirl. Or something. To be honest I never really asked and the point is that I get free hosting so I need to be a good girl about it!

The first time I got in trouble for hosting copyrighted material, it was totally my fault. I’d been posting occasional playlists for y’all to check out, and/or uploading files for my own use and then spacing out on deleting the files later. The Planet got a lawyerly letter, which they forwarded to Codergirl, who forwarded it Keef, who forwarded to me. Codergirl’d gzipped’d the files together for me and put them below the site’s root, but I didn’t really need them so I deleted the file. Problem solved.

This time when I got in trouble The Planet actually disabled my account for a bit and said something about this being my second offence. Well, it’s actually all Jethro’s fault (tee-hee!) because I let him store a bunch of music files on my server while he was in between computers. (There were no links to the files, but because goblinbox.com is so well-indexed the files were easily located by lawyers. Natch.)

My account’s been restored now, and all those files are gone. Deleted. Erased. No more. The only MP3s on this site now are recordings I’m actually personally on. I guess if I feel the need to post music in the future, I’ll do it offsite at one of those free file hosting places.

The thing about these damned MP3 files is that you don’t really own them. Say you go out and spend your hard-earned pay on an album and take it home and rip it so that you can have a copy on your computer, another on your MP3 player, a copy in your truck, and so you can burn a backup CD in case the original gets scratched. You own the physical CD and can do pretty much anything you want with it: you can play it on any stereo you encounter, you can lend it to your buddy, you can leave it out in public where anyone can get it and listen to it, etc. But you emphatically can not store electronic files of that CD in a public place for your own use or the use of your friends and family without breaking the law and eventually getting a nice letter from a solicitor somewhere that goes something like, “We have learned that your service is hosting infringing files on its network. These files contain sound recordings by the artist known as Jamiroquai. These sound recordings are owned by one of our member companies and have not been authorized for this kind of use. We have a good faith belief that the above-described activity is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law.”

The more ‘free’ MP3s come through my life, the more money I spend on music! I wish the entire world would go check out Baen’s Free Library experiment or JPK’s Free Reads or any of the thousands of musicians who post loss leader MP3s and shut the hell up about filesharing and copyright infringement already fer chrissakes. If I run across one or two songs I like, I’ll buy the album. I may not do it immediately, but I do buy it eventually. Since I don’t listen to the radio or watch MTV or have any exposure to new music whatsoever, the only way I’m ever going to find music I wanna buy is if it comes to me in the form of an electronic file I can put on my iPod.

Carrying around space-hogging CDs is so nineties.

And All My Clothes Are Clean

In which we check in with my weekend… and my marriage.

The weather was gorgeous Saturday. Bread and I went to town and visited the bank to cash his check (he’s working again!) and then we went grocery shopping. We intended to buy food for the weekend.

We spent two hundred dollars.

But OMG were the bloody marys good! Boo-yah! (Absolut Peppar? Jalapeno stuffed olives? Pickled asparagus? TOBASCO DILL PICKLES? So good. I had three.) Bo came out to let his dogs run around; he brought stuff for Jager bombs. We BBQed: marinated tuna steaks, corn on the cob, portabello mushrooms. Garlic bread. I even baked a German chocolate cake.

Naturally I had to nap all afternoon, after so much indulgence. Bread woke me up just before dusk and ravished me, then I got up and he fell asleep. Then the sun went down and the temp dropped like a stone.

I talked on the phone with my bro for an hour or so.

I texted my girlfriends to see if anything was happening. One was out of town, one was home for the evening, another was eating Oreos. So I read for awhile and went back to bed. Talk about a nightlife.

Didn’t do shit on Sunday ‘cept go to band practice. BvB was out sick, so it was just me and the guys. We played for a few hours, broke for dinner, and then spent the rest of the evening watching the telly in PjK’s very comfy living room. We probably won’t practice again until April since half the band will be travelling or working… basically, the rest of March is shot for rock ‘n’ roll.

Yesterday I stayed home and cleaned the house because I couldn’t stand it a second longer. I did six loads of laundry, vacuumed, dusted, tidied (Bread leaves shit laying around all over the place), washed five days’ worth of dishes, made a big ol’ pot of lentil stew, watched a movie about the Funk Brothers, brought a load of kindling down from the barn, and in general slaved my ass off doing menial crap.

The house looks much better. And I was able to dress in all clean clothes this morning!

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In other news, we had something of a state of the union talk Friday night. It was brief, but the jist of it was that he wants to know what the fuck I think I want. Since I don’t actually know what the fuck I want, I’m supposed to be thinking about it.

So I am.

I’ve been in a marital funk since last September. I was hoping it was a phase I’d pass out of, but it’s been six months and hasn’t eased. I still don’t know if I want to keep playing house or not, and I seem to have developed an aversion to couplehood. While I love my man it seems I don’t want to constantly be taking another human being’s needs and desires into consideration. I don’t want to share, and I don’t want to be half of something but would rather be a complete something unto myself. I want my own space, my own schedule, my own diet, my own finances, my own autonomy. I’m tired of compromising all the time, of giving and adjusting and reconfiguring myself into shapes I don’t want to be in. He says I’m standoffish and distant. Mostly I just want to be left the hell alone.

I know all you single people think I’m a complete idiot, and I acknowledge that it’s certainly possible. It’s not like I don’t understand the perks of a long-term relationship: cuddling. Laughing. Self-inquiry. Someone who lets me put my cold feet on him! Not having to make the lattes. Companionship. A shared history. Love. Division of labor (well, sort of). All those sweet things are what make me hope I’m just having a rough spot rather than an actual realization.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m like the dogs, always wanting to be on the other side of the door: Let us out! Let us in! Let us out! No, let us in! I spent the majority of my life desperately wanting to find someone, to fall and love and get married, to make a life just like the one I’ve found. But now that I’ve got it? I have fantasies about being alone. Independent. Autonomous. I want to be selfish, I guess. I’m tired of being a mature grownup who gives and compromises.

Ah, it’s not even about compromising, precisely. It comes down to not having anything in common. While we get along well, we love each other, and we’re easy together, we just never have anything to talk about once we exhast the “how was your day” topic. We’re not interested in the same stuff, never have been. He’s not going to grok anything I say about {Internet, musicianship, geekhood, sci-fi, Hinduism, etc.} and I’m not going to grok anything he says about {construction, guns, cars, trucks, bikes, etc.}. We used to fake it, but we’ve been together long enough now that neither of us really tries any more: he starts talking and I glaze over, and vice versa. I go do things he’s interested in but I’m aloof because I really don’t care about {demo derbies/blues concerts/swap meets/gun shows/tool expos}. He tries things I’m interested in once and makes an effort to be polite, but is never willing to do them again because he really doesn’t care about {jazz concerts/book stores/seeing Amma/vegetarian restaurants}. There’s no malice, it’s just that different things make us tick. We want to live differently, eat differently, have different priorities. Just how it is.

While I don’t seem to want what I’ve got, I know it’s good and I don’t want to let go of it. I’m in emotional stasis, and it’s really not fair to him at all. I’m a fantastic roommate, but not much of a wife these days and I bet he’s totally sick of my shit.

It doesn’t escape me that I might just be an idiot, that if I close that door I’ll just want to be on the other side again immediately. Wouldn’t that just serve me right.

Driving Fools

In which I bitch about other people’s driving.

I seriously hate people who drive SUVs.

I realize my ’92 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo is technically an SUV, but at least I don’t drive like a fucking moron. Four-wheel drive helps you go in bad conditions, sure, but it doesn’t help you stop.

It’s freezing motherfucking rain out there, people! There’s two inches of hail on the ground in places! The roads are slick. There are patches of ice.

I was passed by three vehicles during my drive in to town this morning. One was a UPS truck: okay, he’s heavier — more traction — plus he drives that thing for a living. The other two were assholes driving SUVs who obviously thought their choice of rides made them impervious to weather. One lost control of his vehicle immediately after passing me and slid into the oncoming lane! (Fortunately, there wasn’t anybody in the lane at the time or I’d have ended up in a ditch.)

Even the semis were travelling under the speed limit. If they’re going ten miles per hour under the speed limit, you SUV-drivin’ assholes should be going 15 or 20 under.

I drove in part-time 4WD at a responsible and controlled 45 MPH. Fuck you ditch-bound idiots in your bloated grocery-getters. Grrr.

On What It Means To Share

How long are mid-life crises supposed to last? Because I think I’m still having one.

It started before my birthday last September, my self-styled crisis, and though I’m feeling much better in many ways I’m feeling worse in others.

Well, not worse. I don’t feel bad, exactly. I just don’t give a shit about a whole huge section of my life.

I seem to like best the parts of my life that occur places other than my home.

I like my job, I like my band, I like my local bars and restaurants, I like my friends. I don’t want to go home after visiting any of those places. I get mild baby anxiety symptoms when driving home.

Yes, I just said that: going home makes me anxious. Because I’m clearly in deep denial about things.

Aw, fuck.

I’m hip deep in the seven-year-itch and I’m trying to figure out if I still like being married. Actually, no I’m not – I know I don’t like it right now. What I’m trying to figure out is if my selfish discontent is enough of a reason to kill a perfectly good, took-me-years-to-find, warm and solid relationship.

This is not a fun space to be in. I feel like a total cunt.

I could go on and on and on describing all the shitty, destructive, heartbreaking relationships I went through before I found a man who loved and wanted me, and I could compare and contrast all night, illustrating how hard this relationship rocks. And there’s really nothing wrong with it. My home life is smooth. We laugh every day. We never argue about the things that most couples divorce over because we’re both really laid back.

But. While there’s nothing wrong with my marriage there just isn’t much right with it, either. I’m wondering if this is temporary grass-is-always-greener phase, or if I really am discontented in any kind of meaningful or significant way.

(Someone said something to me the other day, something that really struck me: “I want to be with someone who will make me be more than I am by myself.”

And I asked myself, am I more than I would be alone? And the answer, I think, is no. I’m not. I’m less, because I spend so much of my time caring for him that I end up not caring so much for me.

I don’t know that I believe that being with another person, any other person could ever make a person become more than they are alone. It is an interesting thought-experiment, though.)

It seems I’m tired of giving. Of being required to give, of having agreed to give so much of myself to another person. Tired of having to be pleasant, available, open. I don’t want to talk about my fucking day, I don’t want to cuddle, I don’t want to be propositioned, I don’t even want anybody to be there when I get home. I want to be able to go somewhere, anywhere that is totally and completely MINE and where no one has the right to walk in and expect anything of me without being invited.

I spend a lot of time in my office, but my husband just walks in and bugs me. He’s not trying to bug me, he’s just trying to hang out with his wife — the one who has been ignoring him a great deal for about five months now. But it feels like he’s bugging me, and I’m discovering that it pisses me off that I’ve made decisions that have put me in a position where I have essentially given up my right to be totally autonomous ever again. I’m not a me, I’m a we, and I don’t like it. It’s our house, our life, our world.

I really don’t feel like I have the right to say to him that I want him to stay the fuck out of my room. I mean, this is what I always wanted, right? A life partner. To never be alone. To be known and loved. He’s my husband, my partner, he should be able to ask me for my attention and affection. He deserves.

Sad thing is, apparently I need a great deal more space than he does. He seems to be infinitely capable of sustaining a level of physical and psychic intimacy that makes me feel like I’ve lost my boundaries altogether. And the experiment of the past few years of my marriage has taught me that when I feel like I’ve lost my boundaries altogether? I. Go. Nuts.

I get crazy, depressed. I have these terrifying, awful panic attacks.

Who knew! It turns out I’m really, really good at denial… and all this time I thought I was really in tune with myself!

Christ.

Reading the blogosphere yesterday killed me. All these single folk going on and on about how they wanted intimacy, to belong, to have someone wondering where they were, to have and to hold, yada yada yada. And I’m thinking, What I would give to be alone! To not have to answer to anyone! To schedule my own meals, sleep times, social times! To not be a fucking ‘we’! To be able to make decisions by myself again! Oh God, to control my own life!

But it’s been so long that I don’t know if I really want what I think I want. This could just be a phase, a step of personal evolution. Growing pains. Does anyone really want to be lonely?

I am a pretty selfish person. I’m great at giving when I choose to give, but once I pass a certain line I resent it. I didn’t know this about myself, but after observing the shape of my panic disorder over the past few years I have to acknowledge that it’s true: I didn’t want to know I was selfish, that I resented sharing myself and my space so much, so I internalized it and became sick.

I basically don’t want anyone depending on me. If that’s not the very definition of selfish, I don’t know what is.

Dear Blogosphere: STFU Already

In which I rant right at the whole entire blogosphere. Including myself.

Okay, so, my cred is that I’ve been blogging since before the word had even been coined. (Okay, not really, since it was coined in 1997. But still, I’ve been doing it for years.) Since I coded all my pages by hand. Since before I even knew what a CMS was.

Everybody blogs these days. Anyone can sign up for a free, easy-to-use account that allows them to post any damn thing they want on the Internet. This is totally awesome. But. Considering the diversity of human experience, I find it exhausting that at some point all bloggers start blogging about blogging.

I propose a ban on blogging about blogging! I hate blogging about blogging.

Bloggers worry endlessly – in posts! – about their content, about their motivation for blogging in the first place, about whether or not they’re boring their readers, about whether or not they’ll ever get any readers, about maintaining their integrity or their anonymity, about inspiration, about being an attention whore, about being indifferent or less than committed to the act of blogging.

To which I say: can’t we all just shut the fuck up about it, already? I don’t read you because I want to hear you agonize about your traffic numbers or your fears that nobody likes you: I read you because I already like you and I want you to continue being yourself! Blogging about blogging is boring to read. Blogging about blogging is non-content.

Posting that you feel boring is one thing; posting that your terminal boring-ness will somehow affect the balance of the Internet at large is absurdly vain.

In the interest of a better intarweb, here are a few guidelines I’m proposing. God knows I need to follow them myself:

  1. Don’t blog about blogging.
  2. Don’t blog about having nothing to blog and how it makes you suck as a blogger.
  3. Don’t blog about your lack of traffic.
  4. Don’t troll for compliments – be direct. If you want compliments, say, “I want compliments.” Don’t be all coquettish about it. I hate that passive/aggressive shit.
  5. Don’t troll for comments – be direct. If you want comments, say, “I want comments!” Don’t be all coquettish about it. I hate that passive/aggressive shit.
  6. Don’t blog about your motivation for blogging in the first place, unless you’re a damned good writer and have a really solid thesis.
  7. Don’t put your blog on a hiatus and then keep posting sporadically. There should be only two settings: on, and off.
  8. Don’t behave as if the act of blogging is a truly refined artform, unless you’re the proprietor of one of the Very Biggest Blogs Evah and have already earned the right to do so. What it is, is a journal. It’s not playing first chair violin in the London Philharmonic.

When I visit a blog, I want to read about whatever the author’s doing or thinking. I want to hear about your reaction to something that’s occurred, or read a funny or moving or embarassing story, or get your unique take on a topic. I do not want to see you blathering on incoherently about blogging, because it’s just not that complicated. Nor should it be that stressful. Nor should you use it to define yourself. Nor do I want to hear about how much you agonize over it.

We put ourselves on the ‘net because we are all to some degree wanting attention. Period. The creativity of self-expression is the smallest part of it. Let’s just acknowledge these truths, right along with the fact that none of us are really all that goddamned special, and move along merrily into the land of non-self indulgent blogging! Yeah!

*smooch*

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More conversation:
Plus, really, blogging doesn’t even really exist.
gapingvoid: top ten reasons why nobody reads your blog

Rocking

In which I rock.

I’ve rocked myself to sleep for most of my life. It’s a rather violent, whole-body rock, and if I don’t braid my hair it ends up incredibly tangled and snarled and takes twenty minutes to brush out. I’ve always preferred to sleep on mattresses on the floor, in order to avoid having to hear the sound of springs creaking.

I’ve rocked for so long that I can’t remember not doing it. My parents say I started when I was tiny. My father once commented that it was a rather autistic behavior.

When I was a kid, I worried I’d do it in my sleep at slumber parties and be teased for it. When I started sleeping with guys, I worried they’d see me doing it and think I was a weirdo. I’ve always been vaguely embarassed by it because one can’t necessarily control what one does in one’s sleep, but I’ve known a lot of people over the years and my rocking, in the grand scheme of things, really ain’t no thang comparatively.

Everyone I’ve ever slept with for more than a few nights has witnessed me rocking in my sleep. Most ask about it, I explain I’ve always done it, they say it annoys them to have the whole bed sway like that, and that’s that. I could usually manage to not do it for a few nights here and there, but I always did it when sleeping alone.

The first time I lived with someone I was sharing a bed with, I made an effort not to rock at all. I still did it sometimes in my sleep, especially when stressed or sick, but with some discomfort I managed to learn to fall asleep without rocking. It took about six months for me to learn to be able to lie down and just fall asleep while holding perfectly still.

When my first live-in relationship ended, I went back to rocking. I stopped every time I had a live-in boyfriend, and started again when I had my bed back to myself.

Continue reading Rocking

House 11

Sunday’s rehearsal recapped.

I hopped into the shower at one-thirty Sunday afternoon and Bread promptly popped his head in. “Why you bathing?” he asked.

“‘Cause. S’time.”

“Wuffo?”

“Dude, Sunday. Got rehearsal.”

“Oh,” he mumbled, looking downcast. (He’s so bored. He doesn’t do well with too much leisure time.)

After dressing and finding my purse I rolled to town, stopped at Hy-Vee for the ingredients for Caesar salad and a six-pack of hard lemonade, and arrived at PK’s house.

We had another impromptu business meeting – the band as a whole is seriously considering embarking on a business venture as a group so we have to talk about it a lot – so we didn’t start playing for an hour or so. When we did play, we alternated between song-writing jams and running through previously rehearsed tunes.

WTC had written a fantastic, melodic bass line that turned into an extremely hot jam for awhile. Well, until PK reined it in – a little early, IMO – and got us focussed on writing a melody, lyric, and then a bridge.

At dinner break, I had a smoke on the deck with BvB and then made the salad and hung out with WTC while KO and GW ran for the pizzas. We all piled onto the couches in PK’s livingroom and watched 24 and chatted while we ate. I love Sunday dinner with the band, I could hang out with this group of people all the time! I usually hate hanging out with any band I’m in, but I genuinely like these people. They’re all huggy and touchy and funny and articulate, in addition to being great musicians.

It’s almost unnatural, how well we all get along.

We played again after the meal, and broke at nine. I loaned my Prince: Live at the Aladin Las Vegas DVD to the rhythm section and left. I stopped by the bar for a cocktail, and then drove home where my husband nagged me into ravishing him.

I did absolutely no laundry whatsoever the entire day.

Sweet, True Love

In which you hear me sing a song that was written for me to solo on. For real.

Remember my trip to New York last September? To sing on a friend’s acapella album? Well, I saw her over New Year’s and she gave me the tracks.

She doesn’t like them and isn’t going to use them; she wants to re-record the material later this year. I don’t blame her. It’s kinda rough, really. It’s really hard to record acapella material, especially without a conductor.

But anyway. Here, for your listening pleasure, is Sweet True Love by Barbara Morillo, recorded at LiveWire studio in NYC last autumn.

I’m uploading this track specifically because, hey, this site’s all about me and I’ve got a solo in the end of it.

Enjoy! Do please tell me you love me.

Green-eyed Monster

In which Bread gets pissed. In both the American and the English sense of the word.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk at 4:59, and happened to see the clock in my taskbar roll to 5:00. My cell phone rang immediately. I ignored it and finished up what I was doing, and got ready to leave for the day. My cell rang again, I picked it up. It was Bread, wanting to know what I was doing.

I said I thought I might have rehearsal, that I was going to the bar, that I’d call him back later when I knew.

By a quarter past five I was comfortable, belly-up to the bar with a book and a smoke and a Cosmopolitan. I read for awhile as I finished my drink. Then I packed up and was getting ready to leave when the two gentlemen to my right started talking with me. Turns out they’re telephony dudes, currently installing VoIP phones for Henry County. They know some people where I work. One of them bought me a drink. I took my coat back off as I checked my phone: no calls. Probably no rehearsal, then. I decided to call Bread on the way home. One of the guys sells muscle cars, the other one builds custom tube amps. We talked about telephony, the Internet, cars, and music gear and were having a great old time. The guy buying me drinks was married.

So then Bread walks into the bar, pinches my shoulder and hisses, “Thanks for thinking of me!” and stalks off to the end of the bar.

Continue reading Green-eyed Monster