Category Archives: Life

Is my life boring? Or is it just me that's boring?

In which I ponder my reactions to my life and wonder at the key to joy.

During the last few years of my marriage, when I was depressed and boxed in and miserable, I developed a form of aversion to complacency. (In my defense, at the time my complacency was nearly killing me: I had an unsatisfying relationship, I felt trapped, I had no career to speak of, no artistic outlet, limited spiritual outlet, a day-to-day schedule focused on cooking and cleaning that I loathed, and a hideous panic disorder because of it all.) I’d been in that state for years and had been so busy convincing myself that I had a great life that I was going nutso.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always been an optimist. I’ve always been happy with what I have, be it ever so humble. But. I have finally learned that I am not only an optimist, I am someone capable of making herself sick pretending that she likes a life she really doesn’t.

I love change. Always have. I love travel, I love new jobs, I love new friends and new experiences. The past two years of my life have been change-filled: I left my marriage, I moved across the country, I traveled a lot. It was wonderful.

Now, though, I’ve been living in the same room and working the same job for a year. I’ve had the same boyfriend for six months and we’ve settled into a routine, a schedule. (I sleep at his place on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. The rest of the week he drops me off at home around 11 or 12 and I sleep there. I’m home on Saturday and am supposed to do my laundry and knitting and surfing and lazing around then.) I’ve been playing with the same band long enough that I’m bored of playing the same songs, I’m bored of the same mistakes, I’m bored of the types of audiences we pull because they’re all ten years older than me.

See, listen to me! My life is awesome and all I can do is bitch. Somewhere deep inside I can feel myself panicking a little: am I really happy or do I just think I am? Continue reading Is my life boring? Or is it just me that's boring? →

Words (and technical acronyms!) I've looked up in the past week.

In which I share what I’ve used Google’s define1 function in the past seven days to better understand.

  • lemniscate
  • antipathy
  • sidereal
  • basque
  • DS3
  • SSP

I often look up words I’m familiar with just to make sure I really do know what they mean. Because sometimes? It turns out that I actually don’t.

Well, that’s not exactly true; I have extremely subtle inference skills, yo, and can grok most unfamiliar words easily by context. (I read at a high school level in grade school, and had a post-collegiate reading level in junior high, you dig). But sometimes it turns out that I don’t entirely know a word’s full meaning or etymology, and like anyone can always benefit from deeper research. Continue reading Words (and technical acronyms!) I've looked up in the past week. →

Amma in Helsinki

In which Mata Amritanandamayi Devi is in Europe right now.

Mother is finishing up Her European tour and is currently in Finland:

After Europe, She’ll be back in the States for the fall North American tour. (There’s a program and retreat in Michigan that starts on the 30th, but I think it’s probably too late for me to arrange to go.) (Although if on payday I can book a room and a flight, I might just try to. I haven’t seen Mother in November for years.)

Ma ma ma! Jai Ma!

Election Day and Bento

In which my lunch was cuter than your lunch!

My bento box arrived yesterday. This morning I packed a lunch in it. (I didn’t feel creative enough to make a patriotic election day theme, but this person did.)

I truly adore my cute little bentō box. It’s tiny but it holds more food than you’d think. (Maybe the Tardis is part bentō!) If it’s not packed with solid dairy fat, it holds around 600 calories… which shall prove to be much better for me than, say, a 1200 calorie plate of Mexican food from across the street.

In other news, there is no poll voting in Walla Walla county. This means that I have failed to vote because I didn’t mail my ballot. I figured I could go vote in person today, but there’s nowhere to do so. (Apparently only two counties in the entire state of Washington still have poll voting, and I’m not in either of them.) I didn’t know any of this in advance because this is my first election day living in this state; I just learned about the no-live-voting thing before lunch when I was looking online for a nearby voting location.

I also don’t really care. I know that not caring about democracy is bad and wrong, and that every vote counts and that my participation is necessary, but I find politics to be a game I’m not interested in. Talking heads bug me. Political analysts make me tired; they’re all just a bunch of debate team freaks growing their egos talking on the telly. I do not believe a single thing that any politician says because due to the very nature of the system they cannot keep their word even when they want to. I happen to believe that the office of president cannot be held by a moral person; and that even if a moral person were to gain the office s/he’d have to do immoral things in order to get anything done. Like tic-tac-toe, it’s a game that simply cannot be won. Not that winning is the goal of all human endeavors, of course not, but compromises that allow evil or that fail to accomplish anything whatsoever? Pshaw. I’m not interested in it.

[No, it doesn’t escape me that I would likely be a lot more interested if I lived under a more unpleasant type of regime, which admission in and of itself is an argument in favor of the efficacy of the very democracy (or whatever it is that we have here – constitutional republic?) that I enjoy the freedom to ignore: I’m not a total idiot. I just don’t care for politics. Or beef tripe. Or country & western. Or raisins.]

Suffice it to say that if I had managed to vote today, I’d’ve voted Obama. Because what the hell, I’d much rather spend money on welfare than war.

Update: (I just wrote this in comments over at Brad’s and decided to re-post it here.) I can’t believe we’re all so pleased with ourselves for electing a black man in this year of 2008. You know, there are countries all over the world that have had blacks and even women at the helm! Imagine THAT! *rolleyes*

I am bummed with Torchwood.

In which there’s MORE about a TV show. Kill me now.

Teh BF and I watched the last two episodes of season two of Torchwood last night. They killed off two of the characters. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

In other news, Happy Halloween! I’ll be playing with most of the Coyote Kings (and a sub drummer) at Woody’s in Dayton tonight which means hard alcohol, a cover of In A Gadda Davida, and drunken rednecks in costume screaming, “DON’T YOU KNOW ANY COUNTRY ROCK?!?” I won’t be home until two or three in the morning, but I’ll probably get a hundred bucks for it.

I am obsessed with Torchwood.

In which I go on and on and on about a fucking TV show. Srsly. Me, the girl who loathes television. Don’t even read this.

I have a BF who has satellite and an HD television and we could spend all kinds of time just watching what’s on, but we don’t. We watch DVDs of Torchwood.

Torchwood, if you’re not familiar with it, is a BBC show. It’s a spinoff from the Doctor Who universe, with several characters appearing in both series. It was created by the new Doctor Who’s producer, Russell T. Davies. The show was developed almost entirely as a vehicle for John Barrowman (who first appeared as Captain Jack Harkness opposite the ninth Doctor). Harkness is the first acknowledged non-het character in the Who universe, and he makes up for it by basically shagging everything he sees, be it girl, boy, or alien.

I love Torchwood because it’s total entertainment crack.

It’s British, which means accents (which means that any and all utterances sound more profound than they truly are). It’s sci-fi, so not only do we get to examine deep themes but we don’t notice we’re doing it since there are monsters and aliens and gadgets and wonderfully cheesy special effects. (This is actually why I love sci-fi: I think it’s the bestest context for playing around with existential questions.) And, best of all, it’s got more snogging and shagging than any other sci-fi series I’ve ever seen… and I’ve watched a million hours of sci-fi so I know what I’m on about.

For instance, in last night’s episode (season 2, episode 11) Gwen rushes back to The Hub to speak with Jack about a case. She bursts into his office, only to find him half-dressed and snogging a similarly unclothed Ianto. She backs away, stammering, but they pull themselves together and rush out after her.

Jack: Gwen! There’s always room for one more! We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats.

Ianto is my favorite character and gets all the best snarky asides.

The good news is that Torchwood didn’t get axed after its second season, and will be returning for a partial third. The bad news is that after we watch episodes 12 and 13 tonight, we’ll have only the special left until the third season is aired NEXT SPRING! OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!! What am I supposed to DO with myself until then?!?

The name ‘Torchwood’ is an anagram of ‘Doctor Who.’ (The name was used on the dailies and rushes when the ninth Doctor’s show was in pre-production so people wouldn’t know what they were and leak clips to the public. Davies later wrote the name into the Who series in preparation for the spinoff.) I love Torchwood and will probably begin the series again at the beginning and watch the whole thing again twice before Spring!

Apparently, the folks at CERN are also huge Torchwood fans.

Change

In which there’s just a little blurb.

I changed my site’s theme.

Doubtless you’d already noticed that, though. You’re a smart lot, you readers of the ‘box. I lurve you, each and every one!

Two minutes until cocktail hour!

Apparently Vichyssoise is a Soporific

In which I oversleep.

It’s autumn, which means it’s getting cooler and I’ve been a little bit congested and sleepy for the past week. I always get this way when the season changes.

Last night, I made vichyssoise over at KJ’s house, and we each had big bowls of it with some crusty slices of a lovely French boule with butter while watching an episode of season 2 of Doctor Who. I served the soup hot, actually, which means it wasn’t technically vichyssoise but simply potato leek soup, but the point is that it was packed with dairy fat.

I *heart* dairy fat. Oh em gee.

Then I went home and slept until 10:46 this morning. I’m supposed to be at work at eleven. Oops.

In other (knitting) news, I’ve started the second (and final!) sleeve of my Big Brown Sweater and should be wearing it soon! (It’s only been on my needles for twenty-two months.) The yarn is freakin’ amazing and I imagine I’ll absolutely live in the thing all winter.

I’ve also found a home for my old Denise circular needle set, the one that Teh BF’s killer b-day present superseded, the one that NLW gave me when she upgraded to the Knit Picks set herself: I’m going to ship them to Vuboq because he doesn’t have a set of interchangeable circular needles! This makes me terribly happy because I’m glad to see them going to a good home; I got a lot of use out of them while they were mine!

Being 40

In which I bitch about aging, and the road not taken, and blah blah blah.

They say that “40 is the new 30” (which probably is more a nod to the efficacy of modern medicine than anything else) but 40, IMO, is nothing at all like 30.

For me, being 40 means that while my mental outlook is damn near bulletproof – I know what I like and I no longer worry about what people think, and have learned much about what I require from my lifestyle in order to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally comfortable – my physical experiences are getting pretty weird, to say the least.

I can no longer deny myself proper nutrition and rest and still function at all. I am watching my hair slowly but surely migrate from my head to the rest of my body. My cycle is no longer textbook perfect; my luteal phase seems to be getting weirder as I slowly pull away from my reproductive years.

I can no longer eat all the Mexican food I want; it now turns immediately into pudge. I get random aches and pains in places I didn’t even know I had. There are the mornings my feet feel like sausages, and the evenings I feel totally wiped out even though I haven’t done anything particularly energetic.

There are the new wrinkles in my forehead and around my eyes, and there is the increasing size of the veins in backs of my hands [this grosses me out inordinately]. There is the fact that everything jiggly is about two inches lower than my body-image tells me it should be.

My vision continues to deteriorate, and I’m getting those black floaty things in my field of sight (future vitreous or retinal detachment, anyone?). I have developed a few spider and varicose veins in the past couple of years. My (remaining) hair has more silver in it than ever.

I am hyper-aware of mortality, particularly my own, whereas even three years ago the thought that I’d get old and die literally never crossed my mind. (That could be a side effect of living with an 86-year-old grandmother, and dating a man who lives with his 83-year-old mother, more than an artifact of my own age.)

Over-indulging, in anything at all, costs me much more recuperative time than it once did; the sad thing is that this goes for nookie as well as food and vodka. (Nothing says “you’re getting old” like requiring three days to recover from a particularly good fuck because you threw your back out. Can I get a witness?)

Also somewhat disturbing is the realization that I have already achieved who I’m going to be: I do not harbor any hidden easter egg hacks; I’m not going to suddenly get smarter or prettier or more talented. (Or more driven, for that matter.) Statistical odds say that I’m not going to make it in entertainment, I’m not going to get that PhD, I’m not going to become a brilliant writer of fiction, and I’m not going to guest star on the Today Show for having accomplished any of those things… simply because I haven’t already done so and I’ve reached the age I have.

Not to say I don’t have anything left to do in my life, but one can safely extrapolate from past trends. I’m good, but I’m not that good… and even if I were, I seem to be a little lazy. I’ll dabble in entertainment like I always have, and I’ll (probably) retain my native intelligence, and I’ll keep writing in the small ways that I do (it’s not like keeping a damn-near daily blog for 8 years is a non-accomplishment, and you should totally read my riveting technical manuals), but I will always be a small fish.

So, that’s kind of a weird realization. There was once a subtle but ever-present feeling of possibility, that literally any life path could open up before me at any moment. That feeling is, if not gone, at least vastly reduced for me now that I’ve turned 40. I don’t expect myself to bust out with anything more remarkable than I already have done.

All the entertainers I see are younger than me. And if they’re not, they started on the road to household-name-ness when they were significantly younger than I am now. I spent my ‘making it’ years in Iowa rather than in a big city working, and while I don’t regret that I do realize that that decision cut a lot of branches off my potentiality tree.

In other words, this is it.

This is me.

WYSIWYG.

And that’s okay. (But it’d be better if my body was still, like, 20. Srsly.)

Fiscal Maturity

In which I do it all over. Again.

When I was 18, some ignorant asshat gave me a credit card with a $500 credit limit. (Or maybe it was $250. I can’t remember anymore. It wasn’t very much, but it was more than I could pay off at the time.) Twelve years later, I paid upwards of three grand to get that little account settled up, and at the same time cleared up the rest of my abysmal credit. I spent hours feeling awful, making embarrassing calls, feeling incredibly angry about the insane usury, and wishing desperately that all those asshats hadn’t given me credit at such a young age.

I paid off old bills that had bloated to incomprehensibility, paid off trivially small old debts, and even refinanced all of my student loans. A lot of work… just to get a small personal loan so that The Ex and I could make our down payment for the farm. Let us say that my credit was in fairly good shape when I bought acreage in Batavia and got married. Time passed…

The Ex didn’t work much during the last couple years of our marriage; from what I could tell it was half slow economy and half disinterest. Since I only worked part-time myself–he wanted a housewife, remember–our income was extraordinarily limited for a significantly long amount of time. (And then there was the whole let’s-go-sell-roofs-in-Indianapolis fiasco, but that’s only worth mentioning in the sense that we really didn’t pay our bills properly for an entire quarter. I didn’t borrow money for that endeavor, he did, so he gets to pay that shit off.)

The Ex had never been much involved with the bill paying during our years together, and really didn’t understand that we’d barely made our bills when we were both working full time nor that some bills weren’t being paid at all while he took his little sabbatical. I saw no point in nagging him about it; either there’s money or there isn’t: bitching doesn’t help.

Our mortgage, the property insurance, and the cell phone bills got paid. Other bills were paid sporadically or not at all. (The Ex paid for his big shiny late model truck and its insurance, of course, because that was important – it was in his name.) Everything else had to wait because we just didn’t have the money. Time passed…

By the time I left The Ex, I had three credit cards in collections, student loans nearly in default, a $1500 judgment against me, two cell phone contracts in collections, and a checking account with a lien against it. (I still can’t open a checking account because of that, actually.)

I was homeless, heartbroken, and had been laid off. I couldn’t even cash a fucking check by myself. So I ignored the whole debt situation and drank vodka for a year. Time passed…

When I landed on the left coast, I sought the assistance of one of those debt assistance programs. I’ve been dumping hundreds of dollars into the assistance program each month, and dutifully paying four different companies for my surgery (I almost have my surgery paid off, w00t!) and feeling pretty responsible. Time passed…

Then The Ex contacts me last week. We play phone tag for awhile, and then finally manage to speak one morning. He’s working somewhere outside of Iowa, and has a friend crashing at his farm house. (I say “his” farm house because I signed a quit-claim deed. I don’t want the damn property, and I couldn’t afford the property taxes on it anyway.) The friend says a deputy’s been trying to serve me papers out there for a couple of weeks.

Fuck. Fuckity-fuck-FUCK.

Yesterday I got my credit reports and printed them out and poured over them to find out who the hell could possibly be serving me papers. I was freaked that things were going to look really, really terrible.

The paper-servers are probably the fucktard monsters Capital One sold my accounts to, the ones who broke my checking account a couple years ago. (They’re aggressive and not overly concerned with being legal.) The debt in question is less than two grand, but doubtless they’ve already spent well over that in man hours alone, not to mention all the certified letters and visits from the sheriff. Ah, well – my debt reduction program people will deal with them.

The point is, I was expecting total insanity but in point of fact only have a few loose ends on my credit report: the things already in my program, The Ex’s satellite bill, The Ex’s cell phone bill (the one from Indy that he swore he’d take care of, no matter what), and some really old department store card I once used to buy Christmas presents with when we were broke.

I’ll pay off the old department store myself, and try to get The Ex to handle the other two. In less than two years, I should be free and clear again!

I just feel so responsible. You know, for a total fucktard.