Category Archives: Life

Guru Stotram

In which there’s a chant.

aum, aum

my salutations to that guru who revealed to me that truth
which is unfragmented, infinite, timeless divinity
and which pervades the entire universe, moveable or immovable

my salutations to that reverential teacher who, by applying
the divine collyrium of self-knowledge into my eyes
removed the cataract of ignorance

guru is the creator, sustainer and destroyer, she is verily
the very transcendental divinity
(the timeless life-principle, the very essence of the creator, etc.)
my reverential salutations to that glorious teacher

my salutations to that reverential teacher who revealed to me
that which pervades everything in this world, whether
animate-inanimate or movable-immovable

my salutations to that glorious guru who revealed to me
that self-effulgent divinity (pure, unconditioned consciousness) which pervades
all the three worlds, with all its movable and immovable objects

my salutations to that reverential teacher who is like a sun
for the blossoming up of the lotus-like mantras of the upanishads,
and at whose lotus feet lie the beautiful flowers
symbolizing the best jewels of the vedas

my salutations to that reverential teacher who is verily eternal consciousness,
which is the nature of peace. she transcends space and time, the concept of zero,
the primordial sound, and all the parts

my salutations to that glorious gurudev, who is established in knowledge and power,
who is adorned with the garland of knowledge and who grants
both worldly prosperity and spiritual liberation

my salutations to that reverential teacher who, by imparting self-knowledge,
has burnt away the very bondage of actions in a whiff,
which had taken infinite lives to accumulate

even by sipping the charanamruta [the water with which the feet of the guru is washed]
we are blessed by eternal wealth of liberating knowledge, which dries up
the endless ocean of seeking and subsequent sorrows
my salutations to the lotus feet of that glorious gurudev

there is no higher truth than the guru, no higher penance than service to the guru
nothing higher than the realization of the knowledge of truth imparted by the guru,
my salutations to such a gurudev, who is herself that very timeless truth
(and who has taken up a form to bless her disciples with real knowledge)

my lord is the lord of the universe; my teacher is the teacher of the entire universe;
and my self is the self of all. my salutations at the lotus feet of such a guru
who has revealed such knowledge to me

the guru is the beginning of the universe, yet she herself is without beginning;
the guru is the highest deity and there is none higher
than the guru. my reverential salutations at the lotus feet
of such a gurudev

o god! you alone are my mother, father, my brother, and my friend! you alone
are the knowledge, my real wealth. you are everything to me, my all in all

Bootstraps are a myth

In which I had an epiphany about interconnectedness while drinking a dark mocha latte breve.

Was just over at the coffee shop with a pile of stuff in front of me.

This pile of stuff:

That’s a fountain pen, traveler’s notebook, my prescription glasses, a mason jar lid and ring, an instant camera and nylon/pseudo-leather strap with plastic connectors, a mason jar filled with a delicious coffee-and-dairy beverage, and a saddle leather jar holder. I don’t need any of them to survive; they’re all leisure-time trinkets, except my glasses, which correct a defect, and without which my quality of life would be much lower.

One, look at my pseudo-retro, analog, reuse/recycle aesthetic! (Apparently I do sorta have a style, even if it only applies to crap I take to coffee shops, and not how I look or dress!)

Two, I can’t produce ANY of these things. Not a single fucking one. Not to these tolerances.

I don’t know how to make glass, let alone glass suitable to use for canning. Nor do I know how to turn hide into fine leather (I could probably produce something rough and crappy), although I could cut leather and I can sew… but I can’t make knives or needles or thread.

I don’t know how to make fine paper, or build machines to print on it, cut it to perfect size, and bind it. I don’t know how to produce metal charms or even elastic cord. I have no idea at all about any of the thousands of steps required to create that camera: the plastic body, the battery, the lens, the instant film itself.

I could make a camera strap from cloth, I suppose, but most assuredly don’t know how to create nylon or faux-leather or little plastic connectors. I don’t know how to grow cotton, spin it, and weave it into cloth, either.

I don’t know how to grind corrective lenses.

I couldn’t even build a fountain pen from scratch. Although I do understand the concept, I have no way to make a nib, and what would I make the feed from? Carve it out of rubber? I don’t know how to produce rubber!

I don’t know how to grow coffee. I don’t know how to grow or process cocoa for chocolate. I have no dairy experience whatsoever, though I could probably milk a cow and Pasteurize the results. Probably.

The mason jar lid and ring: pretty simple, in concept. Punch out of metal. But I don’t know how to make metal, nor build a punch.

All of these items represent the intelligence and cleverness of other human beings. All I did was buy them.

All of these items require a functioning, interdependent society to exist. I doubt there’s any single person on earth, now or ever, who could build all the tools and technologies needed to create these items from scratch.

All of these items, after they came to be, traveled to me on roads, in trucks, in ships, in airplanes. The fountain pen is German, the notebook and camera are Japanese. A couple of the metal charms are from India. The phone I used to take the picture was designed in Florida and South America, and probably manufactured in China of globally sourced components. The image was transmitted to the cloud through a series of pieces of network equipment produced who knows where.

Point being: there are no self-made people. Even if you developed self-discipline early on and studied hard, you still used infrastructure and knowledge and technologies made by others. You may have made the best of what you were given, but you were given it. You do not live alone, no matter how much contempt you may have for others. You cannot live alone; the world is so profoundly intermeshed that isolation is a joke concept. Even if you were to fuck off to an island, you’d travel there in a ship or plane, and arrive with fucktons of technology in the form of clothes and tents or radios or cooking implements to aspirin.

And here’s what selfish people miss entirely: you do owe for what you’ve been given. It’s your duty to contribute to the society that produced you. You have to make sure there are roads and schools, hospitals and firehouses, municipal water and opportunities for not only your kids, but all kids. And adults. Straight and gay, sick and well, theist and atheist, conservative and liberal, smart and dumb, good and bad, lazy and driven.

Some people are smarter than others, some people start several laps ahead. Some people find a path and follow it doggedly, and achieve whatever goals they feel are worthy of achieving — whether that goal is to master photography or law or illegal drug trade or dance or French baguettes. Some don’t. Most of us achieve mediocrity and don’t do much beyond consuming resources, and the best that can be said about us is that while we don’t really contribute to the sum of humanity’s knowledge, we’re not actively evil.

The reality is that all people depend on others for everything, even if they like to pretend their unique existence somehow earned them their indoor plumbing and refrigerators and automobiles and the medical breakthroughs that kept them alive long enough to even have opinions about what other people do or do not deserve.

Preppers and isolationists like to think they could be dropped into the wilderness and not only survive, but thrive. That’s bullshit. It’s a rare human being who could create, even with access to abundant natural resources, clothing, shelter, and safe and healthy food, let alone knives or cast iron pans or medicines or instant cameras. Most people would die of exposure, injury, starvation, poisoning, or illness. And rather quickly. Because it’s fucking difficult to live outside a functioning society. And that’s really the only definition of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps that matters; anyone within a society benefits from it, and owes their success to everyone else.

And this is the whole point of society: we share our contributions, and rather than struggling to eke out a subsistence existence, we can just go buy flour, in a store, easily reachable by sidewalk or bus or car, to bake our bread with, or, hell, we can just bypass the entire bread-baking learning curve and buy it already made. I mean, consider something as simple as a loaf of bread: even if you understand all the steps from plowing to planting to growing to harvesting to drying to grinding to mixing with water to baking, can you, personally, yourself, perform all those steps? Can you design and build a plow, a scythe or harvester, a grinder, a peel and an oven?

Sure, probably. Maybe. But God, how much time it would take, merely to make your own bread. Now imagine you also have to make your own cloth and design and cut and sew and mend your own clothes. And locate/harvest/slaughter/process and preserve all your food for winter. And ferment your own booze for drinking and sanitizing. And build your own house. And collect and store your own water and fuel. Now you’re indoors, clothed, warmed, and fed. But that’s it: no life of the mind, no entertainment or distraction or hobbies. That’s what you want if you think you’re an island, that’s what you want if you loathe other humans.

To my ex-husband’s girlfriend, on why I didn’t reply

(NOTE: I found this post in my drafts folder, it’s actually a couple of years old; apparently never published it. In it, I say I don’t care what she thinks, but then I wrote all these words, so I guess I did! Sometimes I’m full of shit, yo.)

In which my ex’s girlfriend posted a picture on Instagram of the deck on my old house, finally FINISHED, after all these years! It looks fantastic!

Dear my ex-husband’s girlfriend,

Thank you for your inexplicably bitchy comment on social media. You appear to misunderstand “snark.”

Having had no meaningful interaction with you (beyond clicking the occasional Like button, or sending you Christmas cards) for the past ten years, your apparent rage — coming, as it did, out of absolutely nowhere — rather upset me and hurt my feelings, as you and I were good friends the last time I saw you.

I’m guessing that you’re mad because I used a picture you took, in one of my many stupid blog posts about my stupid feels about my stupid marriage? This picture-stealing happened, according to my archives, seven years ago. (It took half an hour of paging through old posts to even find the post you were probably talking about.)

Apparently you tried to communicate your anger at the time by unfollowing me on social media, I think? I’m sorry to say that I didn’t even notice that you were “done” with me, because, seriously, who pays that much attention to their ex-husband’s girlfriend’s sporadically-maintained Instagram account?

Technically, I did not “steal” your image. You’d posted your images publicly, on Facebook, on the internet, where anybody on earth could see, use, download, or link to them. I’m sorry it made you mad that I used one, but I didn’t even think about it, really. I mean, nobody even reads my blog but Stanley and my parents anyway. Plus, it was a picture of my house.
Continue reading To my ex-husband’s girlfriend, on why I didn’t reply

Spring

In which Minneapolis twitter is enthusing about “Spring,” but, having lived somewhere better, I can state unequivocally that what passes for spring here is a weak-ass attempt at what can be a glorious season.

“Spring” here is brown and ugly. You can only tell it’s spring because of the slightly sweeter air, and the sudden return of birdsong (which happened about 45 hours ago).

Nothing green wakes up until late April or May because the chance of a killing freeze—it was 25F overnight—is too great.

I took this picture about an hour ago:

That’s crap. Not only is there still snow in the shade, but it’s both ugly and below freezing.

Meanwhile, friends from my hometown, which is even higher in latitude, are posting pics like this:

Spring 🌱🌸☀️ #WallaWalla

A post shared by Horte Coleman (@lovelyhorte) on

Minneapolis is nice, I guess, but goddamn I want to move back home.

Friday

In which it’s warmed up to 48F and most of the snow is gone.

I was eating tacos at 8 o’clock this morning. Scott kept waking me up (I can no longer sleep through anything and everything, a side effect of living five decades, I understand), and I stayed mostly awake after he left for work and felt hungry, so what the hell. Tacos.

(It’s fake taco meat. Fantastic taco filling, from a box.)

Then I went back to bed and scrolled Instagram and Twitter. Woke up just before two, got dressed, and then spent the better part of an hour trying to get myself to go out and do something.

Take my traveler’s notebook to the coffee shop and write? Visit the art store and browse, maybe pick up another left-handed calligraphy nib, or some ink? Go have a bloody Mary at the VFW, or even that Mexican restaurant I boycotted two years ago for having such immensely crap service, and read my Kindle? Go to a vape store? Shit, just walk around outside some?

I couldn’t manage it. It all sounded meh. It’d be fun maybe to go hang with human beings, but I still don’t have any local friends. Probably because I never go do stuff.

I’m watching The Royal Tenenbaums and eating nachos. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen this movie before?

Took some homemade enchilada gravy out of the freezer to defrost in the sink; I’ll make Mexican for dinner. Cheese & onion enchiladas, rice, beans, some pickled onions. Radishes, lettuce, tomato, onion on the side, with sour cream and guac I bought. I made beans a couple days ago, and pickled red onions yesterday. All I’ll need to do is make rice, and do veggie prep. Easy peasy. It’ll be fantastic; Scott will tolerate it. (He’ll eat basically anything I serve him, but our ideas of yummy diverge some.)

I work 11-6 on Saturday and Sunday. I usually work Friday nights, too, but a co-worker has the week off so everybody’s schedule is a little different this week.

In unrelated news, the period key on my laptop keyboard keeps sticking and it’s annoying as hell.

Later:

I ate tacos for breakfast, nachos for lunch, and enchiladas for dinner today! Delicious.

Now I’m watching Star Trek: The Original Series and playing with my fountain pen collection.

#hobonichiweeks #moonmanM2 #moonmanwancai #pentonF12

Long Lost Box

In which there’s 28 pounds of history.

My mother and step-father are leaving Wyoming, where they’ve lived for many years, to return to the Pacific Northwest for retirement. This means they’re going through all their shit as they pack.

My mom emailed me to say she’d found a box of my stuff that appeared to have high school annuals, memorabilia, and diaries in it; did I want it now or should she just put it with the moving stuff?

Box? What box? Did I leave a box there, somehow, when I passed through on my way from Iowa to Washington twelve years ago?

I said that, since I had no idea what it was (I got my high school annuals back years ago), it didn’t really matter what she did with it, but if she had time to ship it I guess I’d take it.

She shipped it.

Holy shit:

It’s a box I vaguely remember! My senior annual and scrapbook, sheet music, scripts from when I played Kate in Taming of the Shrew. Concert ticket stubs!

And Jesus, my high school diaries!

I thought I’d left my journals at my dad’s when I moved out, and that he’d gotten rid of them along with the other stuff I’d left when he moved into an RV back in the 90’s. I remember being pissed they were gone, but that was a long time ago now.

Seven volumes of teen writing. Ye gods.

There’s stuff from after high school, too. Choir certificates from junior college, clippings and pictures, even three cassette tapes I have no way of playing. A piece of art from a boyfriend I’d dated. My name tag from when I worked at 7-Eleven. Looks like there might be a photo album in the bottom, too, but I haven’t dug it out yet.

I’ve opened three of the diaries and glanced at single pages; it’s pretty much boring, awful teen girl noise. (One page I opened to said, “My mom turned 39 today!” That’s eleven years younger than I am now.) I have basically no desire to read them, but will probably skim them anyway for shits and giggles.

I have no idea how mom ended up with this box, nor how long she’s had it — they must have moved it to Wyoming with them, and then, what, two or three times since? — without ever bothering to open it. I must have left it with her in the 90’s, because I certainly didn’t have it in Iowa, so I couldn’t have left it on my way back in ’07.

It makes no sense that it’s shown up now, after being gone so long, nor that my mother has had it and moved it multiple times without even realizing it. I’m pretty sure it rematerialized itself, if I’m honest. Probably something evolutionarily interesting in it, somewhere.

I don’t really want or need any of it, as interesting and precious as it may have seemed in my 20’s or 30’s; I may go through it and take pictures of the more interesting stuff (there are a few items from MHCC that I might post on Facebook, and tag the relevant people) and then get rid of it. But wow, talk about a blast from the past, as they used to say!

2018 in Review

In which there’s a review! Of a year!

Started the year in a chat pilot program, which meant typing rather than speaking with people, which was so much better. The pilot was a success! It was approved, made permanent, aaaand given to another call center. In India.

So I got moved back to phones. They said it would be months, but it was barely a few weeks and suddenly I was back in the queue after being on chat for a year. The volume was fucking ridiculous, the policies were even more hostile, and everyone was obviously stressed as hell. An upper management-type made a video that said, in essence, thanks if your attendance is perfect, but we’re going to fire the rest of you if you keep calling out. Fuck that. You’re so understaffed you can’t afford to fire anybody. Your attrition in new hire classes is, what, over 80%? I get that you’re stressed, dude, and that you may not be getting your annual CEO bonus or whatever, but suck my dick. My attendance is exemplary, thank you very much, and what sort of moron broadcasts that level of obvious anxiety to the people in the trenches?

Working at a call center that contracts for Comcast fucking sucks: shit hours, shit pay, no bonuses, hostile policies, and (rightfully) enraged customers. Being back on the phones after a year just made it that much more obvious: while working from home is a benefit in itself, that job was awful.

So I got a job in a cheese shop inside a liquor store! Quit the call center with about 32 minutes notice (because seriously, what’s the point of notice in a job like that? It’s not like they want you to train your replacement; they don’t give a fuck about lost knowledge/expertise) and started my new job the following Monday.

It’s so great! I’m so grateful for it! Hours are great, people are great, the work itself is great. My commute is a one-block walk! I get an employee discount! I got a Christmas bonus! The owners are good people! It’s such a welcome change, to have a normal job again; to not work for evil corporate America.

And, as much as I’d like to bitch about it, the physical activity of the new job, the getting up and leaving the building, the talking-to-people and all: it’s very good for me. Very. Sure, I have the organization and self-discipline for a work-from-home job, but apparently I don’t move unless moving is embedded in some other activity, like commuting or working.

Aside: I now own several pairs of support socks! Standing up for hours makes my ankles swell!

This year I realized there’s yet another “two types of people” division: those having crazy-painful-insane relationship woes all the time on the one hand, and really nice, boring, stable couples who never have ANY drama, at all, EVER on the other. Basically two different species, and they don’t really inter-mix. I used to belong to the former group and belonging to the latter is much, much nicer. We don’t look cool, we don’t go cool places, but there’s zero goddamned drama. Whoo!

I turned 50 this year. I think a lot of my misery over the past few years was hormonal hell due to The Change and is finally tapering off; I feel like much less like shit these days, and last week I actually got up and left the apartment on all of my days off! Without, like, doing so being an intellectual choice to force myself not to lie around all day. Nothing major, just to the bakery or coffee shop or whatever, but that sort of energy hasn’t been mine since right before I moved to Minnesota. Past few years if there’s a choice between doing anything at all and just sitting around, I always chose the latter. Now I’ll just pop out like a normal person! It’s great.

Oh, and I’ve become so fat and old and slat-assed and droopy I don’t even notice my bingo wings anymore, so that’s nice! Whoo! I can, somehow, still get down into and back up out of a deep, flat-footed squat, too. Also nice. Benefit of short legs and a lifetime of sitting cross-legged even in office chairs, I suppose.

Didn’t read for shit in 2018 (Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Amazon Prime video, Netflix, and Plex got my eyeballs), but here’s what little I did read. There’s another probably ten books I started but haven’t yet finished.

My friends from the left coast called me last night. I MISS THEM SO MUCH. The call was nourishing and hilarious and wonderful. Later, I voice chatted with my brother. Being able to sit at your desk and still be “with” people is neat. Yay, technology!

I don’t do resolutions, really, but if I have any intentions it’s the same as ever: get out as much as possible during spring and fall when the weather’s not totally awful. Read more. Less fucking Twitter. Don’t buy any more damned fountain pens. You know, the usual.

Image Hosting

In which this is a pain in the arse.

I’ve been using Flickr for image hosting since 2006, and have nearly 14k pictures there.

They recently announced they’re moving to a for-pay model, and even though I do like their photo editor, I don’t know that I like it enough to pay fifty bucks a year forever when I could get an image editor for Windows and edit locally before uploading.

I used to pay for Pro with them, but then realized it didn’t provide me anything — I’m not a professional photographer and didn’t need the stuff that their Pro accounts came with. All I ever wanted was hosting and the editor. Which are now fifty bucks a year. Ugh.

Well, I already have free hosting at both Google and Amazon, so even though their image editors barely function, well: they’re free.

So I’ve enabled auto-uploading from my phone for both services, and now need to figure out how to make desired images public and find a plug-in to show them here.

I’ll miss Flickr, though. All the titles and annotations I’ve written over the years, the various vacation and holiday albums, all the links from here to there. Once they start deleting my images next year, hundreds if not thousands of images will break and I doubt I’ll ever care enough to fix them. (Not to mention the various CC images linked elsewhere, all those will break, too.) Sigh.

Monday

In which I had the day off and did a bunch of domestic crap!

My beloved got a new job, which he started today. So he got up and went to work early this morning, and my lazy ass slept until 10:30. Whoo!

Then I ordered groceries, made the bed, and tidied up the apartment — got a bunch of crap off the coffee and dining tables finally, so that was a small triumph.

Remembered to water the avocado tree, too. It dries out pretty quickly, now that the heat’s on in the building.

Also made a batch of salsa, because the cilantro was getting a bit old and I didn’t want to waste it:

I boiled half a dozen eggs and deviled them:

And then, I made a pot of potato soup:

I also enjoyed a giant latte, wrapped three Christmas presents, and watched 1.75 bad Christmas movies on Netflix — two of which I abandoned because they sucked!

Tomorrow I might get around to washing the sheets. How great would that be.

In unrelated news, I am publicly announcing that I don’t really like sharp cheddars. I mean, I’d like to, but I don’t. Brought home some Tickler extra mature for my better half and I just don’t really like it. Would much rather eat a mild cheddar, maybe a lovely double gloucester instead.