In which I am baffled by many of the people I speak with.

As you may be aware, I’m back in tech support. If you read my tweets you may occasionally get the idea that I don’t like it, but I do!

I’ve been doing it off and on for a dozen years, and I actually do enjoy solving people’s connectivity problems. I enjoy the process of figuring out what customers are trying to say, and helping them get their problems fixed. I love the Internet, and I love helping people get online.

However.

The majority of the people I talk to absolutely baffle me. I have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about (they literally expect me to understand phrases like, “it won’t do that thing it used to,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean in English), and I have no idea why individuals who can’t do even the most basic computing tasks–like copy and paste, shut their machines down properly, or even read–want to get online in the first place.

(Seriously. Some people never use Shut Down and instead just turn off the power strip, slowly destroying their hard drives. Others know no keyboard shortcuts at all, and have to be walked through how to delete a file. And I have, over the years, supported several people who literally could not read. I have no idea what good the Internet could possibly do them, because you have to have at least rudimentary reading skills even to look for porn, but that’s neither here nor there. Calls with non-readers simply require good descriptive skills, like, “Click the green button at the bottom on the left,” or “Double-click the icon that looks like a computer monitor.”)

Nearly every customer I talk to tells me that there’s no address field in their browser, even though I have every single browser in existence installed, and they all have address fields and I can see them. Many times per day I say, “Up at the top of the browser window, there’s a text field you can type into. Right now it’s displaying the address of the page it’s trying to load. Do you see that field? Please click in that field, and type w-w-w-dot-google-dot-com and hit the Enter key on your keyboard.”

People tell me all damn day long that there’s no such field. Most people never use the address field, and use the Search field universally. The Search field IS FOR SEARCHING. If you already know the URL of the page you wish to visit, you do not need to search for it first, people.

So I ask them to test their connection by going to some random Favorite or Shortcut. “It doesn’t matter what you do, really, we just need to test your connection to see if it’s working. Go to one of your favorite sites to see if it loads.” They don’t know how to do that, either.

So my question is this: if you don’t know how to go to a web page, WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE INTERNET IN THE FIRST PLACE? It makes no sense to me. What the fuck are you paying $40-to-$90 a month for? A service you have no idea how to use? Whatever FOR?

Needing help setting up a dial-up connection or with the settings for your email account makes sense, because there’s no way an end user would know those settings. But calling support because you’re too computer illiterate to set up a mobile broadband device is confusing to me. I mean, there’s an installation disk and a USB device in the package. That’s it. Run the disk, plug in the device, you’re done. Why are you calling me? There are TWO STEPS to the install, and you don’t even have to type in a password! Why is this confusing? And if it is so confusing that you have to call in and be hostile because you don’t immediately understand it, why the fuck do you think you’ll be smart enough to actually use the Internet once you get connected?

And as for metered accounts: when your salesperson tells you repeatedly during sign-up that the 5Gb-per-month connection type you’ve selected is NOT RECOMMENDED for STREAMING VIDEO or ONLINE GAMING, and you let your grandson play WoW or your daughter watch streaming Netflix anyway, why are you all self-righteous and pissed off when your account’s suspended for going 7Gb over the limit?

Furthermore, why do you leave acidic, bitchy, whiny voicemail messages in the support queue about how your service has “never” worked properly, when I can see from your logs that you’ve never once called in for help AND you’ve been running 4Gb of data through the thing every single month since last May? Do you really think we can’t tell when you’re lying?

My phone system is VoIP. I can search for your number and see if you’ve ever called in for support. Don’t be tellin’ me you’ve left “five or six messages and NEVER gotten a call back,” because we both know it ain’t true… and unlike your whinin’ ass, I can actually prove it.

Oh, and if you have a piece of software on your computer that is damaged enough to crash hard on a daily basis, why do you become enraged when I explain to you that it needs to be reinstalled? And why do you refuse to listen when I try to explain the difference between your Internet connection speed and the speed with which your computer reboots or opens programs? I’m not even using jargon, for fuck’s sake, and my analogies are simple and easily understood. Don’t you know you just look stupid when you act like that?

Lots of people get mad on the phone. Lots of them are mad before they even call, and they seem to think that threatening to cancel will somehow magically allow me to break the laws of goddamned physics. I CAN’T SEE THROUGH THE PHONE LINE, and I CAN’T UN-DAMAGE A HARD DISK JUST BECAUSE YOU THREATEN ME. I will, however, explain shit to you if you’ll just shut the fuck up. Unlike most of the call center drones you’ve spoken with, I do care and I do want to help you, but your mouth is just making me hostile right back.

In short, it appears to me that all those years of trying to deal with outsourced and useless personnel has made pretty much everybody an asshole over the phone. (Good job fucking up yet another thing in your relentless pursuit of moar munny, Huge Corporations!) People are used to having to escalate into Asshole American at the drop of a hat to get what they want; unfortunately, phone support requires their cooperation; I can’t just fix things on my end when the problem’s on their hardware.

Swear to God it ain’t rocket surgery, it’s just some settings on your computer. I respect the fact that you’re probably a brain surgeon in your real life, and I’m not talking down to you–that thing I can year you pointing at over the phone has a name, and its name is “window” or “button” or “dialog box.” If you chill out and speak clearly, I can probably fix it for you, mmm’kay?

I’m not the call center drone you’re used to speaking to. I actually have root on these servers, I can give you a refund, and I have access to the logs. Furthermore, dude, I’ve been doing this job for twelve years, not twelve weeks. I’ve forgotten more about tech support than you’ll ever know!

Just mellow out, quit treating me like an Indian Qwest tech, and let me do my job. Thanks. Now you can get back to yours.

11/18/2011: Decision

I’m just going to rant here forever, since customers will never stop astonishing me with their whine-iness, cruelty, and stupidity, and Twitter probably isn’t the best place for venting about them.

11/18/2011: CALL THE RIGHT PLACE, DIPSHIT

I find it really offensive when, after I say, “I don’t know how to help you with that, so you’ll need to call {Microsoft/Apple/the OEM/a shop} for help with that,” the customer replies testily with, “Well, is there anyone there who can help?” as if I were simply stupid.

Here’s the deal, asshat: NO, THERE ISN’T SOMEONE ELSE. I’m saying “I don’t know” because it’s nicer than saying, “Why the fuck are you asking me? I’m a network tech. I didn’t sell you that stupid keyboard. Call Apple.”

In other words, THIS IS YOUR FUCKING ISP AND WE’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FAILURE OF YOUR KEYBOARD/MONITOR/HARD DRIVE/CORDLESS MOUSE. WHICH IS WHY I TOLD YOU TO CALL THE APPROPRIATE PARTY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Your insinuation that I’m as stupid as you are and that there’s some more-qualified man here, ladies, is really offensive to me. The fact that you have chosen not to solve technical issues because of your gender doesn’t mean that I can’t.

11/18/11: WTF, OVER

Customer calls because her iPad and cellphone won’t connect to wireless. All she’s buying from my company is dial-up. I tell her so. She insists we tech her dialup anyway, even though the issue is with a service I didn’t sell her and I can see connections in the logs.

We tech the dialup, delete and recreate the corrupted dialer, error is “there is no dial tone.” After much discussion, it’s revealed she has a Sprint MBB wireless.

I have no idea why she’s buying dialup from me. Neither does she.

11/18/11: NOT ROCKET SCIENCE

You’d be amazed at how many people require extraordinarily detailed instructions just to get them to open the back of an MBB device and slide the SIM card out and in.

I realize that some people live in less kinesthetic bodies than others, but this process is less difficult than understanding and using a can opener.

11/22/2011: OH MY FUCKING GOD

Dude, listen, you bought a brand new Windows 7 64-bit laptop and YES, IT IS INDEED DIFFERENT THAN YOUR OLD MACHINE. Yes, the whole goddamned thing looks a little different. No, there’s no copy of Outlook Express. Yes, the layout of Internet Explorer is slightly different.

You have to use Webmail now because there’s no native email client. You can download Windows Mail for free if you really must have a client, but I don’t know how you’re going to accomplish that over dial-up. So just use the goddamned Webmail.

Jesus, really? You’re pissed because you have to do “all that” just to get your email? Two fucking steps? Open the Blue E, go to the Webmail URL. Two steps are to fucking many for you? Seriously?

Listen, if you want it just the way it was, go back to the old computer.

11/30/11: Oh, just fuck off already.

A customer is waiting on the link for the Mac version of our Optimizer software. (It compresses data, very useful over metered accounts.) I get the link, I email it to him and close the ticket.

He emails back:

It still doesn’t work. In about two weeks I’m going to be shopping for another broadband internet connection that does.

Okay, WHAT doesn’t work? The broadband, or the software? IN WHICH WAY does it not work?

If your fucking broadband doesn’t work, WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED FOR SUPPORT? I know you haven’t, by the way, because I’m the entire goddamned technical support department. Me.

There’s been 400 Mb of data through it, though, so it doesn’t not work. You must be talking, then, about the Optimizer, which is FREE FUCKING SOFTWARE, asshole, and you probably downloaded the .EXE again, which would be your own fault.

And do you seriously expect me to believe that threat of cancellation? Fuck you, buddy. You can’t get mobile broadband anywhere else because everybody else has credit checks, 2-year contracts, and deposits.

11/30/11: YOUR BITCHY VOICEMAILS OMG

Every asshole who emails or leaves a voice mail threatens to cancel over things that are inevitably their own fault. Your email’s archived because YOU DIDN’T PAY YOUR BILL FOR SIX MONTHS. Your homepage is different because YOU DOWNLOADED SHIT SOFTWARE ONTO YOUR COMPUTER. Your broadband doesn’t work because YOU HAVEN’T CALLED FOR INSTALLATION HELP. None of these things are my fault.

And the next fucker who calls, asks for me by name, and then bitches that they’ve left ‘all these messages’ and that I have ‘never called back’: obviously I’ve called you back or you wouldn’t know my name. Are you not even aware that people can tell you’re lying when you do it so poorly?

2/7/12: YOUR EMOTIONS ARE IRRELEVANT

I don’t give a shit about how you feel. Just tell me the facts and I will fix things.

Is your connection down? Were you over-billed? Fine. Explain the problem to me and I’ll fix it. Your insistence on focusing on HOW YOU FEEL makes this impossible to solve, because your feelings can’t be solved.

I am not getting paid to sit here while you dump your frustration and anger and hurt on me. I am getting paid to troubleshoot your connectivity issues, or refund you if we made a billing mistake. One could even argue that I’m getting paid to be nice to you, but I’m only human: I can’t pull that off if you’re being an asshole.

I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer feelings of confusion and frustration, but you know what? Grow the fuck up; get some perspective. Your problems are stupid, petty, shallow first world problems. I am not your thoracic surgeon, I am an employee at your ISP: this is not life-or-death, it’s just your email.

(Which I can see is nothing but “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: OMG!!!” chain emails full of puppies and Maxine strips. I have no idea why you’re so upset about being away from this for a few days.)

In short, your behavior is inconsistent to the actual conditions here. You are switching from dial-up to DSL, not waiting on a kidney.

I keep trying to be pleasant. I keep trying to drag you away from your wallowing and bitching, but you’re not letting me. You keep going back to what a VICTIM you are and how DIFFICULT and TRYING this has been for you and how your utter lack of understanding about the technology you’re using has given you unrealistic expectations that have DISAPPOINTED you.