Oh, great. Not.

May 1st, 2017 | Posted by Mush in Panic & Anxiety

In which there’s a tostada.


I made the salsas and the guac and fried the tortilla. I even put on a pot of pinto beans, but they’re not done yet. I mean, I made salsa. Look at this shit.

Making salsa Salsa

And then about a third of the way through eating the glorious thing with the delicious salsa on it, I had a panic attack — first one in awhile — and now it’s just sitting there, getting soggy, and I’m sitting here twitching and freaking out and I have a fan pointed at me because I think there might be a hot flash component, maybe? But I’m definitely dying.

Heart attack, maybe organ failure. You know how it is.

I went to the site I used to go to when having panic attacks, but it’s dead. Looks like the last post was a year ago, and the login no longer works and the forum posts are there but filled with database errors.

Fingers are numb, heart is pounding, dizzy, tense: the works. God, but I do hate me a panic attack!

Although the process of writing this post, together with Rainy Mood in another tab, has gotten me most of the way through. I think I’ll get up and move around now… maybe put the rest of the delicious but only partially-eaten tostada away, and then maybe curl up because now, between the open window and the fan, I’m really cold. Of course.

May your day be panic and anxiety free!

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2 Responses

  • Alex says:

    I’m curious, have you ever tried Xanax for your panic attacks? Benzos are horribly addictive, but they’re also wonderful as fuck if taken only once in a while. When Petra was diagnosed with cancer, I’d already been caregiving for two years, and benzos were the only way I could get any rest at all. Pop a pill, and all worry and anxiety just shuts the fuck right down. Gone. But, the only way I’d ever again take them on a daily basis is if I were going to die before having to go through withdrawal. Quitting benzos, even after using them moderately as prescribed, is awful.

    Xanax lasts for about 5 hours, and it might be perfect for your very occasional panic attacks. A quarter milligram might even be enough.

    • Mush says:

      No, I never have. Every few years I go through a rough patch and think, “I’m going to the doctor for this, I can’t stand it.” And then it goes away and I don’t. And then the next time I could really use a Xanax, I don’t have any.

      Also, part of my particular brand of crazy is that when it’s bad, I’m afraid of pills and medications. Totally irrational, of course, but during a panic attack I’d probably be unable to take a pill. During bad phases I won’t even take an ibuprofen for a headache or sore back. Because: cray.

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