Category Archives: Life

On the one who thinks you’re perfect, even though you’re not.

In which there’s a very long-form piece about love. (Originally posted here, but since I wrote it I decided I’d like a local copy and moved it. So here it is.)

A year ago, if you’d asked me if I’d ever been in love before, I would have said yes, of course. I mean, I’m a divorced grown-ass woman, aren’t I?

I’ve been in love a dozen times or more, haven’t I? I’ve had that wonderful flush at the beginning, and the horrible heartache and tears at the end, and the various shades of really good to merely okay to this-fucking-sucks in between. I’m an old hand at this shit. Been there, done that.

So much so that I weighed the pros, as I understood them, of being with someone versus the cons, and came to the only logical conclusion:

Fuck relationships.

Continue reading On the one who thinks you’re perfect, even though you’re not.

The weekend

In which there is THE BEST OMELETTE OF ALL TIME. And I’m moving.

Saturday night, Coyote Kings and I along with Gary Winston & the Real Deal played at concert venue Main Street Studios here in Walla Walla.

The venue is pretty cool but it’s new enough that people don’t seem to know about it, so while the audience was appreciative it was very small. I think I made maybe thirty bucks for the night, which doesn’t even cover my bar tab. Oh, well.

After the show I went to Marcy’s with my friend Kimi. Much of the regular crew were there and it was like old times. We all sat around the fire table on the patio and hollered at one another. It was glorious.

As last call neared, Kimi informed me that she was no longer eligible for any kind of driving-type behavior, so I offered her lodging with me. We stumbled back to the house around one o’clock in the morning and hung out in my room hollerin’ (and drinkin’ sparkling wine that I’m sure we really didn’t need) until we passed out. (I offered her the front room like a decent hostess, but she chose a pile of blankets on my floor anyway. Gotta love yourself a low-maintenance woman!)

The next morning we walked back to town together in search of brunch. There was a wait at Maple Counter so we snuck into Marcy’s. This probably saved my life:

Eventually we got into the restaurant and this happened:

That lovely thing is a mushroom and Swiss omelette with mushroom bechamel. It was perfect. I loved every bite of it! The owner of the restaurant knows Kimi and came to our table (and recognized me!). She was incredibly gracious and nice.

I love this little town and I love the friends I’ve made here. Being able to bike or walk everywhere is wonderful. Being greeted and hugged by a dozen people when walking into the bar is gratifying and satisfying. Being a bit of a local celebrity is super fun.

I’m really going to miss it here after I move to Minneapolis next year. Yup, I’ve decided I’m gonna quit living in an attic and go shack up with the LDBF. He’s my best friend, my partner, and the only man who has ever waltzed with me in the kitchen. Plus the job market there is amazing. (The weather sucks, but after 15-plus years in Iowa I know I can adapt.)

I don’t have an actual date set yet, but am looking at probably somewhere between late March and May. I’m not really excited about going through all my crap and the multiple trips to Goodwill to donate things I haven’t used in six years, but I am excited about arriving there and enjoying city living again for the first time in years. And being with a fantastic human being. And Indian and falafel joints. And a real job market.

Anyway, the news is that I’m moving to the Midwest. Again. (Heh.) I guess I should probably tell my grandmother about this.

Sunday

In which I am the epitome of non-productivity.

Had a pick-up gig last night; apparently someone in Junkyard Jane was sick so we did their Ice Harbor Brewery show for them at the last minute. Great crowd, nice vibe. Free dinner!

Here’s Rob, me, Luther, and Kit:

Coyote Kings w/Mush

Today I’m a bit hung over. I don’t intend to accomplish much. I’d wanted to bake something — egg muffins or a fritatta — to make breakfasts easier this week, but I don’t know if I’ll get to it. I’m feelin’ pretty severely lazy. I’ve cooked breakfast and I’ve boiled water for tea, but that’s it.

Tea

I’m listening to the Gita and surfing amazon.com for samovars.

The LDBF is currently at the Mall of America with his mom, who is visiting for the weekend. I never expect to hear from him again. Malls. Heh.

In the near future I’m going to make myself another cup of tea and watch an old Depp movie on my tablet while sprawled lazily in my unmade bed.

Basically the only thing I care about lately is VACATION IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!!!1! Cannot wait to smooch on that LDBF again. Also looking forward to traveling and getting out of town and seeing new stuff and all that, but mostly the smooching.

Dense fog

In which it’s cold.

Actually, it’s not that cold. It’s just colder than it was, and it’s damp and gray so it seems colder than it actually is.

This morning the valley was socked in with dense, cold, damp fog. I half-wished I’d been wearing an entire extra layer of clothing while riding my bike to work this morning. (Oh, yeah, on the subject of work: The second part-time position went to someone else. I was relieved. I fucking love working part-time.)

I will be spending the first week of December at LDBF’s. Super excited! Haven’t been on a plane for far too long. Well, I flew to Seattle not too long ago, but haven’t been out of the state in awhile. And I can’t wait to see him again.

I finished a knitting project!

I finally bought a rain suit to wear while biking in inclement weather. I hope this purchase of mine doesn’t cause the entire winter to be wet and rainy.

Heater

I made a lovely mushroomy lentil stew for dinner on this dark and damp day. Excuse me while I go hork down a bowl of it.

Broken stuff + love

In which I break a couple of things and the long-distance relationship is great.

Yesterday, my 31 day-old phone died. Just up and goddamned failed, right in the middle of the afternoon. Six months ago, I probably wouldn’t have cared much about being phoneless for a day or three, but now my phone is my main source of communication with the Internet boyfriend so it really bummed me out.

In all my years of carrying various cell phones, I’ve never dropped nor broken nor drowned a phone, so I suppose it’s my turn for a catastrophic phone failure. The thing turns on but won’t boot, and it won’t turn off unless the battery is pulled. It occasionally boots into its version of BIOS or sometimes into a dialog that asks if I really want to install a non-standard operating system package, but other than that it’s just the blue TrackPhone screen. My brother looked at it and agreed: it’s fucking DEAD.

I need to get out to Walmart to exchange it; G’ma said she’d haul me out there this or tomorrow afternoon. I can’t find the receipt but I hope they replace it anyway.

~+~+~+~+~
The day before yesterday I went out to the garage to hop on my bike and ride over to the store, but I discovered the front tire was completely flat. I aired it up — having a compressor fucking rocks — but it was pretty low yesterday morning. I dropped it at the shop after work.

Today, after making the newspaper, I trudged over there in the heat to pick it up but they hadn’t gotten to it yet. So I had to walk home in the heat. Again.

~+~+~+~+~
Internet boyfriend is coming to visit in September. Soooo excited I could absolutely pop.

We’re smitten with each other. We spent ten hours in video chat last Sunday (not contiguous; there were trips to kitchens and stores and such, and I took a nap) and never got bored of looking at each other. This is par for the course. We text, we IM, we call, we video chat, we email. Constantly. The only time we’re out of touch is work and gigs, and even then we still text every few hours. I think we both agree it’s fortunate nobody else has to put up with us — well, except the NSA — because we’re in that really cutesy phase only charming if you’re in it.

He has a beard but it turns out there are dimples under there. DIMPLES. Y’all know how I feel about dimples.

Last night on Skype with him I spent a solid hour just crying with laughter. (He’s systematically destroying my refined left coast humor with his pedantic Midwestern humor. It’s a travesty. I cannot believe the shit I’ll laugh at if he says it.) I adore him. He also hits everything on the fairly negative and bitchy list I wrote a few years ago except for being a devotee part; interestingly enough Amma gave me double prasad at one of my darshans this year and I sent the extra to him; interestingly enough he’s keeping it in his freezer because he considers it sacred.

“Eat the chocolate, nerd, that’s what it’s for.”

“Oh, I will. But not now, bitch!”

My life is almost unbearably pleasant.

In which I finally post! I really don’t know what my problem is; I mean I have all this free time and everything, I just never blog anymore. Also: I use the phrase “fucking awesome” far too many times in this post.

This is what’s great about my new job: there’s actual work to do. This is also what’s great about my new job: the fucking phone never rings.

My desk

Holy shit, but I was awfully bored at the last place. Morons calling me up all the time asking the same impossibly stupid questions over and over, no systems to administer, no hope of training or promotion. I had been really excited when they had offered me the job and that bitchin’ title a couple of years ago, but it just ended up being first tier technical support all over again only in an office instead of a cubicle. I didn’t get to learn a bunch of cool server crap and I didn’t get to do fun projects, only tedious ones like moving websites. There was too much free time and yet I always felt harried because I had to be in the queue all the time and talk to people.

I do miss being able to tell people I’m in IT, but my new job actually suits me better. I roll in there at eight o’clock in the morning and I have things to do! I produce things every day, and they’re tangible: pages in the goddamned actual real life treeware newspaper! I do a sports/weather page every day; I do the Business page every day; I do A2 every day. On Fridays, I do three pages for the Sunday paper. And usually before I’ve even left the newsroom at one o’clock, I have a physical copy of an actual newspaper in my hand.

There’s enough work to keep one focused and busy but not so much one feels overwhelmed. The other people in the newsroom — the reporters and copy editors and editors and photographers and interns — are all awesome. The police scanner is always on, and amusing more often than you’d expect. The gossip is fantastic. The long stretches of silence while everyone writes or edits or paginates are lovely.

The newsroom is like a cross between a library and a university and everyone in there is basically some form of nerd or another. It’s fucking awesome.

And it’s part-time. And it pays more than my last job did; I went from having a title and getting paid shit to being an entry-level newbie who makes almost as much in 25 hours a week as I used to make in 40.

Which means I get home a little after one each afternoon and I’m not even looking for another job. (I would probably volunteer at Helpline again, but they moved way the hell across town so it wouldn’t be convenient.) I’ve been doing one little domestic project each afternoon: catch up on filing. Go through dresser drawers. Clean out closet. Donate things to Goodwill. I feel relaxed and calm and organized.

I’ve begun to read again. I’m growing an avocado tree on the kitchen windowsill. I do my nails every week. I’m cooking a lot. I feel like I have plenty of time. It’s awesome.

Sometimes I just come home, change out of my office clothes, and go get drunk on my friend’s patio. And since she works part-time too, I can do that and still be home and in bed way before ten. Talk about decadent.

There’s also this wonderful e-boyfriend. I met this guy online; it’s my first internet relationship (which is actually pretty strange, considering how long I’ve been online and the sheer number of hours I’ve spent each week dicking around on the internet in the past decade and a half). We’ve been talking on the phone every night for months and we’re now at the (apparently common) sending-each-other-crap-in-the-mail phase. He’s fucking awesome: articulate, good natured, educated, employed, hilarious, and not a goddamned stoner. I can’t wait to meet him in person, but he lives halfway across the country and with the new job and everything that wouldn’t be until August at the very earliest.

He’s twelve years younger than I am, but I don’t give a fuck because he’s nice. Not to mention that the majority of single men in the age bracket more appropriate to me are single because they want 22-year-old models for girlfriends or are raging alcoholics or only marginally employable. The benefit of 30-something males is that that’s the age they decide they wanna settle down if they’re going to, and I’m basically only interested in settling down. Dating and screwing around are fine, I suppose, but I’ve basically already experienced nearly every permutation and most of the time it’s either shallow or neurotic. I think I learned from that crush last year that I was — am — finally ready to consider a real relationship again, but it really needs to be real.

Gig season is picking up. The band will be all over the northwest this summer, playing festivals and bars in three states. The latest album is doing well and has gotten some really good reviews. Our drummer is still threatening to move away, but he’s been doing that for years.

I still ride a bike everywhere and I pretty much have thighs of steel. My hair is long and I really need to get a cut and color. I’m going to go throw a load of laundry in and make some sugar-free chocolate fudge pudding. It looks like it might rain. Life is good fucking awesome.

This is what I did today.

In which there is a running list.

6:02 wake up for no god damned reason
7:19 wake up for no god damned reason
8:10 turn off alarm, get out of bed
8:11 search ‘copy edit test’
8:32 shower
9:00 eat a mushroom, asparagus, and cheddar omelet
9:15 leave the house
9:48 take copy editing test at the U-B
10:49 say “Yeah, I’ve been over it three times already anyway.”
11:03 reply to texts while sitting in Starbucks with a grande dark roast coffee
11:18 search for ‘ap stylebook’
11:59 change into fleece drawstring pants in bedroom
12:02 go to Loney’s
12:58 put groceries away
1:11 IRC
1:22 search ‘sardine recipe’, find this
1:45 cook and eat a really bizarre meal (ingredients were butter, garlic, mushroom, blackeye peas, cream, parmesan, avocado, and chives)
1:55 blog
2:01 make the bed
2:05 drink cold, leftover coffee
2:15 surf more recipes
2:35 job hunt fuck around online some more, FB chat with Mel
4:33 wake up from catnap with actual cat
4:36 put some lentils on to cook
4:48 fold laundry
5:05 take lentils off, eat some
5:15 go visit the wendover-briggs machine

lol aging omg srsly + o jeez germs

In which there’s a post because I haven’t been posting for shit for MONTHS.

Okay, so, the new prescription. I now have new glasses and new contacts. Full-on examination routine at the optometrists’ because I’m old: glaucoma tests, retinal images, the works. The new prescription is awesome for distance-viewing (holy SHIT things are clear), but I can’t read — or even see whatever food I’m eating — because I can’t focus on anything less than an arm’s distance away from my face. I’m practicing near vision by looking at things progressively closer to myself and waiting for my eyes to adjust but this sucks and is tedious. Not being able to read a book with one’s contacts in is really lame.

My cycle is getting weirder all the time. My luteal phase is still a textbook perfect 14 days, but my follicular phase is erratic as hell and was only 12 days in February. Two months ago I had a 24-day cycle, which needless to say I was unprepared for. I mean, my average used to be 33 days; now it’s about 29, but seriously: nobody expects a 24-day cycle. That’s just plain insanity. Also the return of the acne: Jesus Christ don’t even get me started on the subject of zits. Good job, hormones.

I think I’ve had some mild hot flashes, too. On the other hand, thaaaaat could just be the unholy amount of wine I drink sometimes messing with my subjective experience of internal temperature. Hard to tell. My hair is probably quite gray but I keep getting it colored. Sometimes my knees hurt. I now feel officially nasty looking lasciviously at dudes under 30.

All of this shit leads me to conclude that I’m old. I’d had no idea youth would be so short, really. I’ve still probably got half my life left, but if my knees are gonna hurt I just don’t know about this because nothing used to bother me more than listening to older people endlessly catalog their maladies like I’ve just done.

Today I am home with a chest cold and laryngitis. Colds make me hungry. Nah, colds make me starving. Excuse me while I go hork down a bowl of curry and then take a two-hour nap with weird dreams.

February is almost over so I thought I’d check in.

In which I haven’t posted in over a month so I’m just gonna spew some utterly boring crap into a CMS interface and publish it.

Oh, not much.

You?

Well the usual. Some gigs and stuff. Work, a lot of time fucking off in IRC with kids, some time visiting with friends – mostly the Wendover-Briggs Machine on their comfy patio. A couple loads of laundry, some cooking, some cleaning. I bought some ebooks, took some naps, got my hair did.

The band’s been working up the material from the new album. The guitar festival is next month! Come see it!

I got new glasses and new contacts: expensive but so needed, and I also had my teeth cleaned. I’d much rather spend that money on the vacation I so desperately need, but of course I don’t have insurance and I need the services so the money has to be spent.

(In related news I’m really pretty pissed off that I am going to be required to carry a health insurance policy I can’t afford in the very near future. I mean, if I could afford it I WOULD ALREADY FUCKING HAVE IT. (One of the many reasons I choose not to own a car is the expense of insurance. In all my years of paying car insurance, I never once got anything back out of it. Even if you pay for years and your claim is valid, they find a way to deny you.) Like the lottery, insurance appears to be nothing more than an idiot tax, but unlike the lottery it’s fucking mandatory. Insurance is merely a way to make the greedy richer, just to make a hideously weak blanket statement.)

I got my hours cut 25% and have been taken off salary and demoted to hourly. My employer says this change is intended to make me happier in my job, but I’m not sure how a pay cut is supposed to increase my contentment. In compensation for the cut, I’m supposed to be free of first-tier calls, but for now they’re still happening. Hopefully when the kinks are ironed out I won’t have to set up dial-up with some old guy on Windows 95 ever, ever again.

I’m now working 10 – 5, so the waking up at 5:30 bullshit is curtailed for the nonce, but I don’t really feel like I have more time off. Maybe I’ll decide to work 8 – 3 and get a PT evening job, except that would never work with my gig schedule so fuck it. While I do get pissy sometimes about having to do gigs, at the base I’m grateful I gig frequently enough to even be grumpy about it.

I have seen no Oscar nominated films. I consume very little news. I watch BBC shows on streaming video sometimes. I have about 30 books on my Kindle I haven’t finished reading. I took a three-hour nap last Sunday afternoon after sleeping in late and before going to bed early.

Apropos of nothing, I spend a lot of time wondering about the people who find it necessary to admit they’re posting/IRCing/tweeting/etc while pooping. Is this a sign of poor potty training, or a wonderful lack of shame? I just cant TELL.