(I’m just bitching. You probably shouldn’t read this.)

I guess I feel better today, I’m not sure. I’ve felt bad so consistently for the past while that I probably don’t feel better and I just can’t tell.

Right now I’m starving again. I also feel fat – I’ve probably gained ten pounds and five of its boobs I don’t want (and which make me feel matronly). So feel starving but I look like I’m three inches short of being perfectly round. (Yes, I’m exagerating. But only the slightest bit.)

My husband continues to be a saint. He asks frequently how I’m doing, offers to pet and cuddle me, shoots compassionate glances my way, and tries to make me giggle. I don’t feel that I’m at all worthy of him. I also feel sad that he’s not getting anything back from me; it’s all I can do to sit and scratch his back for a few minutes, and he’s still sleeping on the futon to give me space. I’ve cooked for him maybe three times in the past month. He’s got clean clothes, but that’s about it. I doubt he cares about chores all that much; what I’m trying to say is that I feel sad that he has to hang out with a morose and confused wife every evening.

I’m not feeling so hot. I’m tired, I feel almost as if I’m sick rather than pregnant.

My stress level is so high that I’ve been rocking in my sleep at night. (I’ve rocked myself to sleep my entire life. I only stop when I share my bed with another. Since I’ve been sleeping with Brett for seven years straight I’ve pretty much gotten out of the habit of doing it, and I only do it now when I’m sick, in pain, or stressed out.) Brett and I haven’t slept a whole night side by side in almost two weeks because apparently I won’t hold still enough for him to sleep next to me.

My pregnancy symptoms are less and less each passing day, and even though my boobs are massive (Brett thinks they’re wonderful, bless him) they don’t hurt much any more. I don’t feel nauseous. I’m moody, obviously, but that could be plain old stress as much as hormones.

Why am I so stressed? Well, besides being in the middle of what I’m certain is yet another long and drawn-out miscarriage, LISCO laid five people off yesterday. I’m the only P/T employee they have, so I will actually be shocked if they don’t let me go too. (I even heard a rumor that they were thinking of asking me to reduce my hours, but I only work 20 hours a week as it is.)

My God, I’m so starving. (You’d never know this to look at me, as I’ve become more and more padded and Irish-looking as the years have gone by, but) MY GOD I’M SO HUNGRY!

All I want to eat is Mexican food, but I doubt it’s ideal preggo food. But I want it. But I had it yesterday. Hmm. I should have packed a lunch, but it would probably gross me out if I had.

Spaghetti sounds good!

See, all I want is carbs. It’s freakin’ weird, people.

I’m so starving!
——–

My mother-in-law persuaded my sister-in-law to lie to us about the time dinner would be served in order to “get us there on time,” so I baked my white trash hot dish – green bean casserole – early in the morning on Thanksgiving and transported it to Pella already cooked. When we arrived at Krista’s house, I popped it in the oven to warm…

…and it stayed there until the turkey, and afterward, the dinner rolls, were done. Which means it was overcooked, dried out, and burnt on the edges. Although Joe had told me that it was something I was absolutely going to love – I’d actually never eaten it before in my life – I didn’t. It smelled like fried canned onions and wasn’t at all gooey.

The meal was good, though. My plate had zucchini casserole, mashed potatoes, Caesar salad, and stuffing on it. I enjoyed my food a lot, and Andy & Krista’s house is handsome and comfortable and their dining room is really nice.

Three new by-request blinkies completed:

I think it’s happening again – another miscarriage.

My pregnancy symptoms have been lessening and I’ve been spotting for four days now. And this evening I started getting cramps.

One possible reason for these early miscarriages is that my body fights the foreign DNA. They can give women steroids for this, but there are side effects for both beings involved.

It’s not a done deal yet, of course, and stranger things have happened than spotting for a few days and still going to term. But. With my track record?

Yesterday I was weepy and emotional. Today I’m in good spirits and glad of it. I hope it’s not another MC but one does want to prepare, so I think I’m disengaging. Er, as much as you can when it – whatever event it may become – is happening in your body!

I’m thankful that I’m not in emotional roller coaster hell, at least. I’ve been in a great mood all day, and that’s a blessing to count for certain.

I’m off to bed so I can get up and made a green bean casserole tomorrow morning. Night, dear ones!

Spotted Dog Design: PPC Index sports a host of great Today themes for your PPC, as well as some great WA1.x skins. (I think she’ll be doing WA2 skins soon.) I’m all about a nice pink theme.

I was going to go on about nausea, but the dooce has already done it and I’m too tired and queasy to write it again: dooce: Survival of the Species.

I’m at work, I’m tired, I’m nauseous, and I can’t focus. I want to go lie down. But since I’m not sick, I don’t know if I can allow myself to go home. Buh.
——–